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My Eating Disorder Nightmare

Trigger Warning

Photo by Jairo Alzate on Unsplash

Eating Disorders can be confusing for those who never went through this mental disorder; sometimes even confusing for those of us who have been through it. I'm somewhat scared to share this story so I may only post to certain places. I fear judgment even though I should not fear anything of the sort. But ED's are one of the most frowned upon disorders. And sometimes people even think we suffer for attention. Which is not the case. ED can be all about control, depression, want, envy, and other mental illnesses and such. Mine was and is all about control.

My ED started back in my sophomore year of high school. I was 14 and hating myself. I was going through depression at the time to due to a few things I have gone through. Everyone called it a phase when in fact it was a nightmare I wish never even started. This is at the time Instagram was all the hype. I would see females post themselves in cute poses with their crop tops and nice defined collarbones. I was already small and I took Ritalin for my ADHD which suppressed my appetite. So the ED did not help my size one bit.

My mother did not even notice. Which to me at the time, was a good thing. I wanted it kept secret, along with my ED inspired IG page and my wall of WWE women wrestler's who I desperately wanted to look like. I don't know how my mother didn't notice. I wouldn't eat what they would cook except I would always finish my bowl of cereal. I would even measure it right in front of them so I can log it right in my weight loss app. But I don't blame my mother for not noticing. But my ED also didn't get bad until I was 16.

I was dating this guy and his mother would always go on about how we would gain weight and how I shouldn't eat as much as I do. This was at the time I started to binge-eat because of stress and depression and I would act upon Bulimia. She would never cook what I would ask for because it had "too much starch, carbs" I was upset with myself constantly for this. She enabled my ED. And so the weight loss continued. My lowest weight I can remember is 99 lbs at the age of thirteen. At age fourteen I was 103/109. I kept gaining but I was also growing and puberty was happening. I hit age sixteen and I weighed about 111/110. And I maintained until college happened.

My ED was all about control. At this point in my life, I felt like I had no control over anything. I was fighting with my mom, going through rough situations with my boyfriend at the time, I was worried about whether or not I would make it to college and etc. When I left for college was when I gained my weight back. And for the first time, I felt great about myself. Until back in January.

In January 2018 I relapsed and started a secret ED account where I could rant and vent about all the things that bothered me about my life and I could post "body checks" and other negative things that would only encourage myself to starve and count calories even more. College wasn't going well and I had finally lost control of a bunch of things once again. So there I fell into the deep hole Ana had dug for me. (Ana is a personified term for Anorexia) All I had control of was my body. So the starving began again.

ED is no joke and should not be treated as such. Everyone is always like, "Y'all just starve for attention" or, "You don't look sick!" which indicate those who think this way are uninformed. You guys are misunderstanding Eating disorders. Body Dysmorphia is a real and a serious enabler of ED. We look in the mirror and all we see is are 'problem areas' and fat! While those who don't suffer from ED see them as they are. Bulimia and Anorexia Nervosa are two different things. ENDO is basically an umbrella term for a general eating disorder. And to be classified as ENDO the patient or party affected could/must meet all criteria for anorexia nervosa except their weight falls within the normal range. Which is what I suffer from. I could talk about ED and the ways they affect and how they are caused and etc. all day. However, I plan on writing a more detailed work about this subject soon.

Just recently have I decided that it was time, with the help and support of my friends, that I recover. I was constantly sick, and having pre-diabetes didn't help one bit. On top of all of this, I had been fainting from starving myself. I was constantly in the clinic, in the hospital. I even went to a cardiologist to figure out what was wrong with me. Luckily for me, I already knew. Which is why I changed my ED page to an ED Recovery page. And I encourage those of you who went and are going through the same thing to join me in the process of recovery. You can follow my journey @strawberry.recovery on Instagram. I always follow back, and my DM's are always open to help or just to talk. You can also email me at [email protected] I am always here and open for conversation.


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