My Ex-Best Friend Who Was Never Real

It all started freshman year. I only had one friend, and she was always busy, so I guess it all started because I was lonely. Who knows.

Her name was Laurie, and she showed up while I was walking home one day. She had curly brown hair and she was always super sweet. At first, she only showed up while I was walking home. I couldn't always see her, but I always knew when she was there. I told her everything, and she supported me, and became my best friend. Slowly, she started showing up on more and more occasions.

She wasn't the first. I'd had friends like her before. Friends who weren't real, even though I didn't know they weren't real. Honestly, I'm still trying to learn how to tell the difference between real and not real. She definitely wasn't the last one.

Pretty soon she introduced me to her sister, Phyl. I was super excited—another friend! Phyl was really punk—blue hair, piercings, the right clothes, everything. She was what I wanted to be, and she helped me figure out how to be like her. They both started spending the night. Laurie would play with my hair and sing me to sleep once she noticed the insomnia. Phyl would help me clean up my cuts when I self harmed. It was amazing. I had my best friends with me every night! I thought I was so lucky. Little did I know it wouldn't be long until things went bad.

One day, they said they needed to spend more time at their home. I knew that made sense, so I didn't mind. But that's when everything went bad.

I developed a new character. He didn't have a name, and I never saw him, and he never actually talked. He came with his own minions, but I never saw those either. They would hold me down, and he would molest me. Every week, without fail. There was no one to protect me.

Soon after him, I got the generalized voices. They would murmur to the point where I couldn't focus, or do anything other than hear them, and go crazy because it was so overwhelming. At those times, I couldn't even talk. They would also insult me and get me as weak as they could so that their master could come. Clyde. He likes to make deals, deals that usually end in a large amount of self harm.

I dealt with all of this for two years, and then it got worse. Laurie pushed me to starve myself. Phyl was always trying to convince me to do hard drugs with her. They got me into stealing. It was always something. Everything was always shitty and I hated every second of it. It wasn't much longer before I found out they aren't real. None of them are and they never have been. This discovery was heartbreaking to me. I couldn't stand it, and accepting it was a long process. I'm still trying to accept it. Not only did my best friends become bad people, but they were never there in the first place.