My Exit Strategy for a Mental Illness Downward Spiral

I'd like to start this off by giving my qualifications on the topic. I was diagnosed with depression the day after my 13th birthday. I've been suicidal and am so awesome at not controlling my unhealthy coping skills. Retail therapy is my go-to, sometimes to the detriment of my household's survival. So, I write this piece from the viewpoint of someone that has buried themselves in their own filth and was dug out by my husband. I am in no way writing this from a place of judgement, because I've fucking been there.

Mental illness is no joke. The problem is literally all in your head. The internal dialogue, voices, feelings, doubt, shame, anxiety, the replay of that one time you did that humiliating thing in front of everyone, and anything else you can think of. It's crushing.

Today, we live in the era of self-care. It's an entire industry. I'm typing this while drinking my third glass of wine. I drank one of those glasses in the fucking shower, because #showerbeer became a thing and I prefer wine. You go to any mall type location and you'll find store after store peddling self-care products. Bath bombs, bubble bath, mud masks, gel masks, massage devices from mild to beyond wild for anything you may want rubbed, blow out bars so your hair is always perfect and you feel good about it..... It's a booming industry and I am by no means bashing it. I love a good Dragon Egg bath bomb from Lush like any other millennial woman. However, there's a very specific type of self-care that these products cannot address.

What good is soaking in a hot bath with the best bath bomb in the world, when you are just going to crawl into a bed with sheets that haven't been washed in ages?

It is important to take care of your mental health and reasonably pamper yourself when needed, but cleaning your home is also a very important type of self-care that can do more good for you than a bath bomb. Now, trust me, I am not going to tell you some "Clean home, clean soul" mantra bullshit. I hate people that say that. What I am saying, is that when your mental illness has pulled you down into a deep dark hole, it can be so fucking hard to pull yourself back out. You can be in that hole for a long time. Sometimes, you just need to ride it for a bit. Sometimes, you can't help but ride it. I think we can all agree, though, that being in that hole is one of the absolute worse feelings in the world and it can be impossible to have an exit strategy. All I'm doing is offering you an exit strategy that works for me.

Now, I know I'm not some special snowflake that is super duper unique and delicate in the world. And I'm okay with that. So, I figure that if this works for me, it'll probably work for someone else. If you haven't tried it, maybe it'll help and maybe it won't. I'm going to break down my mental illness black hole exit strategy.

My house is my sanctuary.

It's a great big world out there full of people and things I cannot control. My home is the only piece of this world I can control. Inside these walls, I'm in charge. If it is dirty, it's my fault. If I want it clean, it's up to me. (Now, yes, I do have a spouse and many pets that I live with, and maybe you have kids, but let's just tackle this from an egocentric viewpoint for now.) When I crawl into my depression hole, the house falls apart. The dog (German Shepherd mix, so much hair) sheds everywhere. The cats' litter boxes need changed. Dishes cover every inch of my kitchen counters. Clutter covers every table surface in the main living areas. Random clothing items just get strewn about. Why are there jeans on the couch?

If my house is my sanctuary, my bedroom is definitely my inner sanctum. It's sacred. Only I get to sleep there. It can be anything I fucking want it to be. Look however I want it to look. Literally no one can tell me I'm wrong, because they don't sleep here.

Take full ownership of your home. It's yours. You live there. Got roommates? You still have a bedroom. That is your space. Don't let anyone take your space away from you, including your mental illness. That bitch might show up and pretend it's hers, but she's calling your bluff. (I refer to my mental illness as a she because she's a bitch and so am I.) If things have gotten out of hand, you can totally take back your control of it. The hardest part is getting started.

The Trifecta

Finding a place to start is usually the most difficult first step. It's all so overwhelming. There's just stuff. And it's everywhere. And you can't put that thing away because its place is taken up by other stuff and you don't know where to put that stuff and now you're back in bed watching Netflix on your phone drinking water out of a used water bottle because you can't deal with the kitchen right now. So, if you're wanting to make a genuine start, where do you find the beginning? I call it the Trifecta. It's the three most basic chores that give you a foothold in your space.

1. Trash: 5-10 minute chore. Just start with the trash. Take the kitchen bag out, because you know it's overflowing, and put a new bag in. Then, go around and collect the random trash floating around your home. In my house it's usually granola bar wrappers, apple cores, paper towels that someone has blown their nose in, and random empty envelopes from the mail. Just grab them all and anything else you know you don't need and throw it the fuck away. Don't forget the bathroom trash. Your space will look better without random trash just laying around. You are not trash, so you don't need to keep random trash.
2. Laundry: 5 minute chore. While you're grabbing that random trash, you'll notice random dishes and laundry. Put the laundry where it goes. All the socks, towels, sweatshirts, pants, whatever...just put it in the hamper where it goes. If you're feeling squirrely, or for future planning, have multiple hampers for sorting colors and whites. Sort them where they need to be and get them in their proper place. You don't have to wash them right now. Just put them where they need to go. I recommend making friends with laundry hampers. I have five hampers and two baskets. Putting them where you tend to throw your clothes is a good place to start.
3. Dishes: 15-30 minute chore. Grab those random dishes and fucking wash them! ALL OF THEM! Your kitchen is probably a mess because it's one of the most used places in the house. Washing your dishes and putting them away will make your kitchen look halfway decent on its own. Instead of filling up that generic label of water bottle that you opened three days ago and have been refilling from the tap, you can now drink out of a clean glass like a grown up. You'll feel better for it.You can also now cook yourself a proper meal because your pots and pans are clean. And if you put away all the clean dishes, you can put the dirty ones right into the dishwasher so they don't clutter up the sink. Yay! It's the little things like this that can carry a big impact.

If you've done The Trifecta, you've gotten a really good start. You might be tired and want to go back to your hole, but you've done something. You can see what you did. You didn't even have to change your clothes, talk to anyone, or go out in public. You could complete The Trifecta in like half an hour, realistically, and be back to your binge-watching in no time. And, tomorrow, the dishes will still be clean. The laundry will still be in the basket. The trash will still be in the can. You won't get up the next day and feel like you got absolutely nothing done.

Where do I go now?

If you do pull off The Trifecta, you'll have one of two reactions; to crawl back into your hole or to keep cleaning. If you crawl back into your hole, that's okay. You can do this part tomorrow. If you feel like continuing with your cleaning, full steam ahead. Again, you may feel overwhelmed on where to go next. You may spend the next hour bouncing around the house cleaning randomly, which is not the most productive. So, here's what I do after The Trifecta:

1. The Kitchen: 10-20 minutes. The last part of The Trifecta is the dishes, so you're already in the kitchen. When it comes to tidying the kitchen, trash and dishes are usually most of the battle. So this is the easiest step to take next. Clear your clutter off the counters as much as you can. Groceries back in their proper place. Displaced dishes back to their cabinets. Then, spray your counters and stove top down with cleaner. Don't forget the range hood above the stove. Those get gross fast. You can even pull your stove knobs off and toss them in the dishwasher for a quick clean with your other dishes. Give everything a good scrub down and wipe. Knock the gunk onto the floor. It's faster that way and it makes you follow through to the end. Clean the microwave out too. Spray it down with the counters and let the cleaner soak on the gunk while you're scrubbing the counters. It should clean out reasonably well. Make sure it's dry and aired out before you use it again. Once everything is put away and counters wiped down, just sweep the floor! Grab a broom and sweep all the gross stuff into a pile and toss it away. TA-DA! You have a clean kitchen now.
2. The bathroom: 10-20 minutes. If you've sorted your laundry and taken out trash in The Trifecta, then some of the worst parts about cleaning a bathroom are also done. A trick I learned when I was a professional house cleaner was to streamline the bathroom. Pull everything off the counter. Find a home for the bits you can easily put away, like medicine bottles in the medicine cabinet. Next, spray everything down. Mirror, sink/faucet, toilet, shower and tub. The tub and shower are usually the hardest to clean, so allowing a cleaner to soak for a bit while you clean the rest will help loosen all that soap scum gunk. With one reasonably sized microfiber towel, you can wipe down the mirror, sink, and toilet (in that order). Don't forget to scrub the inside of the toilet bowl before wiping it down. I know it's gross, but you can wash your hands when you're done. Mold and hard water stains make a toilet gross and smelly. For the shower and tub, a good abrasive cleaning power will help you clean it all up in no time. Just be careful about mixing cleaning products. Bleach and Comet make a mustard gas type cloud that'll take you down in no time and can make you very sick. Use one or the other. Once the tub and shower are clean, grab that broom again and sweep all the hair up. You'll be surprised at how much cleaner you'll feel when you clean yourself in a gleaming shower.
3. Laundry and de-clutter: 1 hour-all day. This part can take much longer, depending on how much laundry and how much clutter you have. Thankfully, you can at least pace yourself. Start with a load of laundry, particularly your bedding. I mean, when was the last time you changed it? Throw on some clean sheets or wash the current ones, but strip that bed either way and get fresh bedding on. Wash the pillows and blankets too. This may involve a trip to the laundromat if your washer can't handle your bedding, but at least you have a shining shower to get yourself presentable again. If you can wash your bedding at home, get it started in the wash and then start de-cluttering while it's going. Working one room at a time helps. The coffee and end tables and the dining room table are usually the worst places to catch clutter. It's not trash, but you just haven't found a home for it yet. Put away what you can and nicely stack the rest so it is at least centralized and not strewn about. Wipe off the tables too. When you get laundry going, put every load away the second it comes out of the dryer. It'll keep from piling up into the clean laundry monster and you won't have to iron much of anything if you put it away before it has the chance to wrinkle. Also, it spreads the chore out into something manageable. It should take about 5 minutes or less to put one load of laundry away.
4. Dust: 10-20 minutes. If you've gotten all the clutter put away, just grab a towel and wipe over your flat surfaces, like book shelves and the TV. A microfiber cloth works great. For me, this is the final step in pulling me out of the depression black hole, but you can, and probably should, do this before the next step. If you want to take this step beyond just wiping down shelves, though. Grab some glass cleaner and wipe off your light switches and the wall around them. I mean, when was the last time you did that? You probably won't realize how dirty they are until they are clean. And if you really want to take this to a professional level, clean off the ceiling fan blades.
5. Floors: 30 minutes-1 hour. The time this one takes is truly dependent on how big your house is and whether you have pets or not. Pet hair adds time. As much as everyone hates this chore, it's my personal favorite. It pulls all your efforts together and makes the whole house so much more presentable. No more random fuzzies on the carpet or rolling balls of hair on the hard floor. You can take off your socks and feel how clean the floor is with your feet. If you have hard floors, I recommend vacuuming before mopping. It makes your mopping much more effective. And mop with diluted white vinegar. It's good for wood floors and doesn't cause product build up on tile. It also kills odors.

When your house is nice and clean, your sheets are fresh smelling, and your bathroom is shining, you'll feel better. You can visibly see the difference you made with your efforts. You'll feel accomplished. You don't have to do these additional five chores in one day if you don't have the energy. Dividing up the work like this just helps give you a map for regaining control of your space. It won't cure your mental illness, but it might help you get a better grip on it. We all wrestle with our demons from time to time. You may feel out of control in your head, but taking control of your environment can help you get control of your mental illness demon. You channel your energy directly at something and you have results from your efforts that you can see, feel, and even smell.

It's so easy to run to our video games and streaming services to escape from our mental demons. Sometimes, it's needed. I'm definitely not one to judge about that. I watch entire seasons of shows in a single day while knitting and pretending I don't have a problem when I haven't showered or brushed my teeth or hair in four days. Cleaning is how I pull myself out of those episodes. When I'm disconnected, my house completely falls apart. I can't fully come out of my depression black hole until I clean my house. When I get it clean and in order, I feel completely in control again.

If you've gotten it all back in order, you may be wondering what to do next. Go take a nice, hot shower and wash your hair and body. Brush your teeth. Put on some clean clothes, even if they're just pajamas. Enjoy your cleaned and controlled space.

Remember, your space is under your control. Don't like how it's arranged? Change it to what you want. Who's going to tell you it's wrong? No one. If someone says they don't like it, remind them where they can take their opinion because it's your home. A bath bomb at the end of the day feels great. It's even better when you're crawling into a clean bed with fresh sheets and wearing clean underwear and pajamas.

For the spouse/roommate/friend/whoever that loves someone with mental illness...

Chances are, you've seen your loved one in one of these mental illness black holes I mentioned above. If you've never been there, let me tell you it is one of the worst feelings you can imagine. I've handled the death of loved ones better than going into a depression spiral. You may be wondering how you can help them when they are in such a state. Here's how...

First, check on them in person. Don't just text. Actually go to their house and check on them. Bring them some of their favorite junk food and sit with them for a bit. Having a human being there can help make a person with mental illness feel wanted and loved. Don't pity them, though. Just be there. Talk about normal stuff. Get them to laugh. Let them cry if they need to.

Second, if their house is in a state, help them clean. I'm not saying to do the entire list above from start to finish, but just start with The Trifecta. (Unless you're living together. Then it's your house too and you need to take partial ownership for the mess.) If you don't live with them, get them into a shower and then do the dishes for them. It's a small gesture, but it means a lot. Don't draw attention to it though. That can make them feel helpless, which then causes a deeper spiral downwards into their personal black hole. Just don't act like it's a big deal. If they bring it up, just say you noticed they've had a lot on their plate and you thought you'd just help out because you're friends/family/whatever. Just doing the dishes can help give someone the motivation to get up and get control of their house back.

Living with a mental illness is exhausting sometimes. Be patient with your loved one. Listen to them. Help them. Don't judge them. Don't shame them.