My Experience With Music and Anxiety/Depression

I am not an avid writer. However, I am a musician in a band called Cape Cub and also a mental health sufferer.

Firstly, I have suffered for a long time with anxiety and depression, and as context for this story, my father had daily struggles with these illnesses also.

On January 30, 2016 at 1 PM, my mum called me very distressed, telling me that my dad was meant to be meeting a friend for a quick catch up. After him not answering his phone and the friend, who he had said he was meeting, told us that they did not have plans, my mum obviously became distressed. I quickly headed over to my parents' home to speak to my mum and try to calm her down, even though my anxiety quickly started to flare up. When I got to my parents' house, my mum told me that my dad has been struggling with his mental health the past week and she didn't want to worry me as he struggles all the time and just needed time to himself. My mum started becoming even more distressed so I told her to wait at home for him while I go out looking. I thought about all the places me and him had been in the past to check out. I was starting to get more and more anxious and realised my calls to him changed from "Give me a call" to "Please, Dad, call me, we are really worried and I don't want to lose you."

Then something clicked. He loved the sea and the cost of Saltburn and the cliffside walking paths; we used to go all the time with my sister and mum and the dogs. I quickly raced to Saltburn pier; it was now starting to get dark but people were still walking and fishing off the pier as I sprinted down to the bottom to see if he was there. He was not.

I turned to look around and saw his van in a nearby car park. I sprinted to it, and by the time I got to the van, two police officers were looking in the windows. Obviously looking for my dad, they asked if I knew who the van belonged to. I said, "My dad. I am looking for him." They asked my permission to use a vice to open the side door of the van to see if he was in there. I gave it. They tore the van open. He was not inside.

My sister turned up and a police officer told us to wait in the car until they decide what their next move was. Me and my sister sat in her car. Silent.

The police officer who was heading up the search told us that they would tow that van away back to their headquarters to look for anything that would help them. It started getting towards midnight and I decided the best thing to do was to get my sister home so we can be with my mam. The police told us that the waves were too ferocious for a boat to go out looking for him at the time and that the mountain rescue were heading out to scour the cliff sides.

Back at my parents' house, I tried to sleep but I don't think anybody could. I was woken up by my auntie who told me to come into the kitchen. I think I was too tired to think anything of it, but my auntie proceeded to tell me and some of my family that my mum and two family friends had went out looking for my dad and had found one of his bike gloves on the edge of the cliff. They then discovered his body at the bottom. I will never forget my auntie telling me that but I have completely forgotten how I reacted. It's just a blur.

My mum came back to the house and as we opened the door to her, she collapsed. She became completely isolated from then on for a while, clutching onto one of his t-shirts like it was a life vest.

Fast forward two months and I was heading on my first tour with Cape Cub. I would forever be changed by the events that proceeded this tour, but I knew that I wanted to play music for the rest of my life and it would be a good release for me. It was.

Since that first tour, we as a band have gone from strength to strength as we have a super strong bond. All of the members of our band have had big losses in their lives in the past two years and our bond makes us stronger as a band.

Music is a way to express all of our feelings to our loved ones gone. For me, my father paid for guitar lessons for years, bought my guitars, came to all my shows, and I hope he would be proud of what I have done. I continue to strive in music for him. I believe it gives his memory life; and I will continue doing that until my last breath.

Getting onto my anxiety and depression, something that people who do not suffer from mental illness don't know (or the people who lie about having them and use these conditions for attention like they are a trend) the physical symptoms of anxiety and depression are crippling. My anxiety causes me to have enormous head pressure, making me feel like I'm going to pass out but never do. Like a constant state of limbo between conscious and unconscious. I do take medication for these conditions to control them in my everyday life.

Music is the most incredible human invention as it invokes all kinds of emotions that may be anger, sadness, sorrow, excitement, love etc; however, they all ultimately lead to happiness.

For me, playing music live is the greatest feeling anyone could have. It is so euphoric and promotes togetherness and equality, this is why I love music. My anxiety and depression is being subdued and pronounced by music all at the same time. Music brings people together who may be going through tough times in life and lifts them from reality for as long as they want to deal with their emotions induced by harmonic voices or spine tingling guitar. I cannot help but put emotion into my performances and into writing. Music does not let you be emotionless.

I have been to many counsellors, and I am not saying they are all bad but the ones I have dealt with have been terrible. I then realised that being with the band and writing and performing is counselling. We as a group are expressing our emotions, telling our stories, and being a shoulder for the rest of the band.

I miss my dad everyday and it is hard, but music and my family and friends (and especially my girlfriend) have been amazing through this period. I could not ask for better. They are my world.

I don't really know what I wanted this story to be, but I hope that someone who is suffering from mental health can take from this that help and support is always there. There are people who I never thought were very close with me who offered all they could to help me in the bad times.

Hold on for the people who are still around. They are worth it and so are you.