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My Experience with Relationships & BPD

A Battle Forever Fought

By Emma PilgrimPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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Relationships from friendships & love, but sometimes the lines blur, of course because for many of us with borderline, our response to relationships is never great.

Don’t get me wrong my love life now is great, I’m engaged to someone who understands my borderline & how quickly I change with moods but my ex didn’t even believe my depression. I guess we can’t all win with the people we know & their understanding of what mental health does to a person.

My friendships have always been the worse, I can never find people who are trustworthy & actually give a care in the world (kind of sounds like the government & how they treat people with mental illnesses) but that’s another story. Anyway, I know a lot of people can relate when I say that people change like the weather here in England.

We must remember that we all grow up & grow apart. We all become different people as we age, it’s perfectly natural to feel betrayed by someone you thought would be around forever. Now people with BPD feel like this about everyone, the fear they’ll leave, the emotions feel like being paranoid permanently. The trust factor will drive you crazy, if you were to feel like BPD people do, the constant struggle between black & white thoughts will fill a book. People are either yay or nay, no one is perfect in our eyes.

Anyone can feel this way I’m sure but let me put you in the mind frame of someone with BPD, now this is hard because I’m stepping out of my shoes for you to jump in….

Imagine being 25, every day I wake up & wonder how I’m going to feel. So, when I wake up feeling normal, ok, not too much going on there’s that lingering thought that it will all change & then the thought comes rushing in like “oh, todays a good day to die” & then I’m suddenly convinced that my friends are talking behind my back. They don’t want to know me, or try see me. They don’t want to hear how depressed or suicidal I’ve been, they don’t want to acknowledge that I have a mental illness & that some days I can’t even exist because the world hates me.

Now think about this from my point of view; when I was with my ex, she was pretty messed up too. She made me paranoid, self-conscious, & even more she was pushing me to the stage where I didn’t want to live if she didn’t love me. The one person who I thought could help me or get through all these feelings with betrayed me.

Before her, when I was 13, I had these friends, these people who I grew up with & was certain they’d never do anything to me. Boy was I bloody wrong! These people caused my depression, my anxiety, & helped my BPD to manifest. When you’ve known people from the age of 8, you somewhat have no suspicions these people would do anything. One of my closest stirred up so much nonsense that the other one happily sat on a fence & watched me get attacked by a group of people who believed lies. At this point I was 13, I was slapped around, pushed into stinging nettle bushes & was scared these idiots were going to drown me. Now what makes a 16-year-old grow up to think it’s okay to attack a 13-year-old for no reason, that one I’ll never know. Strangers watched on & did nothing. This happened on a bridge, a bridge that had special memories of me & grandad…

My grandad died 2 weeks later...

Imagine being me, betrayed by my friends, grieving for my grandad, I believe I was destined to have BPD. I mean after all that, I would have been surprised if there weren’t any mental problems.

People with BPD have it differently, we all struggle with relationships but in different ways. For me, I don’t trust, I push away & I always believe that no one will stay.

personality disorder
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About the Creator

Emma Pilgrim

I have a passion about writing about my Mental Health Battle, we have our own experiences of it & I’d like to tell my side.

Horror movies are my thing/ art / TV shows.. Average everyday person with something to say :)

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