My First Father's Day and Depression

My first father’s day as a father was somewhat bittersweet. I have struggled over how to approach this subject, and the best way I could find is straight forward. As I write this at work, I hope not to break down. Please understand first and foremost that this is no fault of my wife and/or child. Anyone who has dealt with depression can tell you what a motherfucker depression is.

I’ve been battling a serious bout of depression for two weeks now. “I hate myself.” “I’m stupid/a dumbass.” These are not thoughts I want to have, I just can’t get rid of them. The fact that I cannot concentrate on anything at all only serves to make matters worse. I have trouble remembering things and get confused easily, which only multiplies the problem. Of course these issues cause me to make more mistakes, which amplifies the problem that much worse. The only relief I get is when I actually sleep, and that is if I am not having nightmares. I get out of bed against my will, put on a fake smile, and go to work, when I would rather stay in bed the rest of my miserable life.

I want to be friendly and social. I want to be affectionate to my wife, but I am a worthless piece of shit that doesn’t deserve anything I have. My son is the only thing that keeps me going. I try not to be short or direct my frustrations at him. I know he doesn’t deserve it, and that it is me who is fucked up, not him. I would never wish this kind of pain on anyone.

I wanted my first father’s day to be something special, and it was. However, I just couldn’t get out of my funk to enjoy it. I am appreciative and grateful for my wife and son, and everything they do for me. I just hate myself so bad, it just seems like another day to me. Along with suffering from the depression, along with the other normal everyday stresses of life, I felt a few other things piling up on top of me.

While eating with my family, I realized that this was the first father’s day with me as a father, but without my father. I guess I had just pushed it of the back of my mind until it hit me. Feeling like a shithead X1. I wondered why I had waited so long and never gave my father the chance to meet his grandson. I know that he would have enjoyed him, as he is a replication of me.

I also realized that I haven’t been up to my father’s grave since he passed away about three years ago. Life continuously keeps getting in the way and I just never made it up there. That’s the only reason. I just never really thought about it until yesterday. Shithead X2. While I know that I didn’t do these things on purpose, it still bothers on top of everything else.

I believe that my wife tried to make it special for me, I just wasn’t really feeling it. I tried so hard to be happy, I just couldn’t make it happen. Feeling like a shithead X3.

While I am not advocating or contemplating suicide, I understand the feelings that people who do harm themselves go through. People claim that it is selfish to commit suicide and leave your family like that, but they don’t completely understand. It’s not that you want to leave your loved ones behind, it’s that you feel like that you don’t want to hurt them or drag them down with you.

Hopefully one day they will make a magic pill that will cure these feelings. I know I could use them.