My First: My First Panic Attack Episode

Hello friend,

I hope you are doing well. Before I do any introductions, I thought I’d mention that I am not very different than you — like you and many others I suffer from panic attacks. A journal of Psychopharmacology states that in 2013, there were 8.2 million cases of reported of anxiety in the UK alone. You are not alone because I was one of those 8.2 million people who had anxiety attacks. I understand what you are going through. I understand what you mean when you say, "I don’t feel good" and you have your panic face on. I think when you have been suffering from panic attacks, you can see other people who are going through it — like when a toddler has an I-am-pooing face; we have a panic-attack-under-progress face. It is a glamorous face, just like a toddler’s I-am-pooing face.

I thought I’d tell you a true story about my first time so that you know that I have been where you are right now and I am out of the scary and dark tunnel that you find yourself in. This post is your reminder that if I can get out of the scary tunnel, then you can too – I believe in you. It is time you believe in yourself.

So, my unwelcome companion — Mr. Panic, came into my life when I was 18. I had just started my University degree doing Diagnostic Radiography – a course to learn how to operate those really cool machines that took X-Rays and ultrasound. I loved the idea that I could see an invisible part of your body. I loved the idea that I can spot the invisible problem to the symptoms you are having and I loved science.

At that point in my life, I thought, 'Ugh, I am having a panic attack’ was an exaggerated phrase used by people who are feeling the pressure. At the same point in my life, I understood the seriousness of operating the cool machines that saw the invisible part of your body. I understood the gravity of not spotting the invisible problem and the worst happening – patient dying. My thought process looked a little like this:

• Mistake by Linu = patient receiving high radiation = DEATH
• Sleep Deprived Linu missing a tumour = DEATH
• Linu being Linu = Patient suffers = DEATH

No matter how I looked at it, I could not handle the idea that people depended on me to see the invisible problem they were having. Those people are someone’s mother, father, son, or daughter. I could miss it, they will die, and I will never be able to live with myself. That was my trigger. One fine night, while I was getting ready for bed, there was a wave of emotion that washed over me. I couldn’t figure out this feeling or emotion, but every time I tried to be logical about it, I would get more of the waves of emotions hitting me. It lasted for a long time and I was ready to do anything to get rid of these feelings. I got the usual trademark symptoms that come with my companion — feeling like I am going crazy, trembling, sweating, and shivering at the same time which made me revisit the idea of going crazy and the cycle starts again.

It was then I decided to distract myself and watch Friends. I fell asleep listening to Joey picking up women and I woke up the next day feeling like I had a vivid dream, almost as if it never happened. Only the mark of a panic attack remained: feeling tired, sad and drained.

That was my first. It truly went downhill from that: from withdrawing from the University course, crying in the supermarkets in front of the tomatoes (the tomatoes did not offer any comfort), not getting out of bed because I was watching re-runs of Friends because anything else would set me off. That might be some of where you are right now, but I am here to tell you that the story did not end there.

I don’t know about you, but I am feeling (and I am) 22. I will be graduating in a few weeks with a Journalism degree which was my second love. I satisfy my nerdy science needs through watching Grey’s Anatomy and I only watch Friends when I have a bad day and I need a pick me up. I learnt a lot of coping techniques when it came to anxiety and most days, Mr. Panic don’t get to come into my life. This is a just reminder to tell you that I believe in you. I believe that you will get past the difficult bit and get to where I am now. I trust you. Do you trust yourself? I hope you can.

Love,

Linu