My First Panic Attack

I was about 16 years old, in my sophomore year of high school. I woke up, got dressed in my school uniform, and prepared myself for the day ahead. I went through the first few classes with ease. My everyday routine. Repetition. Easy.

Or so I thought.

I was sitting in biology class. My teacher at the time, Mr. Swift, gave a trigger warning as we were going to be watching some videos with blood in them. I can't remember as to what the topic was, but I know it was bloody. I never freaked out or became nauseous over the sight of blood, in fact the body intrigued me. But today, I started to feel a bubbling within me. Something was off. Something wasn't right.

I felt a cold sweat, getting chills up and down my spine as my vision became static and wavy almost. My classmate noticed my agitated motions as I tried to comfort myself, but she knew that I was acting strange and brought it to Mr. Swift's attention.

I recognized my nausea out of the rest of the uncommon emotions, and said I needed to throw up. That's the only explanation, I thought. I was sick and needed to release myself. But that wasn't the case.

I stepped out of the classroom, as my classmate brought me the trash can. But I couldn't make myself vomit. I sat there, hyperventilating. My knees to my chest. Not knowing what was happening. My breathing slowed down and I couldn't push air down to my lungs. I was frozen. I couldn't move, and I couldn't breathe. My vision blurred.

My teacher came to check on me and noticed how I was struggling to breathe, he told me to raise my arms, in an attempt to open my airways. It helped but I still couldn't speak or stop crying. My arms and my chest were so tight. My knees were still pressed to my chest, stabilizing my sitting position. My teacher went back to call the health center, and ask to send someone to help me. He returned to my side, sitting down, comforting me and talking to me until help arrived.

I was so frightened. My classmates were wondering what went wrong. I, too, didn't understand what was happening. My teacher mentioned to me that I might be having an panic attack. As I walked with the nurse to the health center, I repeated "panic attack" to myself in my head. What is that? Panic attack? Panic attack? Why me? What's wrong with me?

I proceeded to calm down, and was able to explain what happened to the nurses. They claimed that I might've been nauseous from the videos I watched in class. But when I kept explaining my emotions and my actions, they clearly changed their reasoning. They also called it an attack, but this time, an anxiety attack.

Anxiety.

I'd heard of it before, but only understood it as nerves. Being nervous before a dance revue, as I have personally experienced. Being nervous before a test, also what I have experienced. And what I felt? That wasn't nerves. That was my body seeming to attack itself. But why?

I spoke with the psychiatrist at the student health center, and she advised me on ways to control my breathing. Not being able to take air down into my lungs was the scariest thing I have felt up to that point. I talked to her about stress levels and my life at home. She assured me that everyone takes on stress and no one has a perfect life. Things I already knew, but I needed to hear at the moment. It comforted me. I went home that day, reliving what I felt in the back of my mind, and tried to grow as a person.

Now, I am 20 years old. I live with anxiety on an everyday basis. It truly is another bodily function. It is so normal to me.

But it is not luxurious. It is not me asking for attention. It is not depression, but it can be associated to it. It is not a crutch, or an excuse. It is me.

It is hard to function sometimes. Relationships with friends, significant others, family members. It affects how I treat people. It affects how I act. It alters who I am as a person. It is me.

But I will never let anxiety hurt me, I am stronger than it. It took time to realize my strength. I had to learn how to suppress it and how to control it. I have only had small anxiety attacks since then, given I am in college, the most stress I've felt in my life. But it gets better. My mission here is to help others understand that everything gets better, in time.