My Introvert

Walking into the cafeteria is like being dropped in the middle of the ocean. You stare up at the rising wave of voices and see thousands of eyes looking at you and you only. Sitting at a table by yourself, you get up only when completely necessary. No need to risk the apology tango as you and another both grab a fork and turn, move right, exchange sorry's, then go your separate ways. You eat slow. Not too big of a bite, people will look. Not too much on your fork, people will look. Don't look up, you might make eye contact with someone. You finish eating and walk out the door. The wave settles, you survived.

You walk into class with your head down. Not the entire time, just most of it. You sit in your unassigned-assigned seat, keeping that one chair minimum between you and the next person. He walks in and out of your peripheral vision, you see him sitting in the seat right next to you.

What is he doing?

He always sat one seat away. There were three other seats at the table and he never chose this one before. He and you were the only two who sat at that particular table and he, for some reason, chose to sit right next to you today. Your heart rate quickens as you reach to move your backpack specifically placed to deter this situation. You say nothing to him. Throughout the class, you want to answer questions but your hand stays down.

That one is easy it's...

I know that answer that's because of...

Class ends. You grab your things and walk out without a second look. You hold the door for the person behind you because it is polite. You don't want people to think you're rude. The person behind says thank you but you don't respond, you just keep walking. On your way to your next class, you see two girls from your last class yesterday. You try to look down but you've already made eye contact with one of them.

Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me. Don't talk to me.

"Hey, how'd you think you did on that last test?"

"Pretty good."

You give that closed half-smile without slowing your pace and continue to class. You sit down again, comfortable in the fact no one was going to sit next to you. The professor begins today's lecture and midway, he stops to ask the class a question. You know the answer. It's easy but you don't raise your hand. You know the trick of professors picking the kids who purposely avoid eye contact so you try to counteract by actually looking up for once. Instead, your name is called to answer.

Sh**.

The wave crashes and the eyes engulf you. You surface, give the right answer, and the lecture continues. Class ends and you walk back with your head down. Not the entire time, just most of it.

As you regain the solace of your room, the screen of your phone lights up for the first time all day. You've been invited by a friend to an event hosted by the school later that night.

No no no no no no no no.

That would mean people, that would mean unnecessary socializing, that would mean the wave turning into a thousand waves. You don't want that, so you debate over which excuse to use this time: the nonexistent headache or the fake essay which is, in fact, a real essay, just due three weeks from now that you have no intention of starting tonight. The headache it is, and of course, you reply with a thank you to the get well soon. As always, you don't want people to think you're rude. You spend the rest of the night alone, as you prefer. The ocean is calm.

You wake up the next morning and go about your usual routine. Not speaking to anyone that walks into the bathroom, just a glance when they weren't looking to see who it was out of curiosity. As you walk to class, you hear the steps of someone walking behind you. A slight elevation of the pavement causes you to stumble and almost fall.

Oh god.

They saw me, they had to.

Whoever it was glanced up at the sudden noise, then looked back down at their phone, but you don't know that. The heat of embarrassment burns inside you as every muscle tenses. You glance at the back of your follower as you turn to walk into the class building.

Now every time they see me it's gonna be, "That was who tripped in front of me that one day."

It was not even close to that. In the next five minutes, your follower had completely forgotten what had happened. Again, you don't know that and it doesn't matter. You believe that's the way it is. The rest of the day is the same. You don't speak unless absolutely necessary, you don't stop and socialize between classes, you get where you need to go and that's it. The days turn into weeks which turn into months which turn into years. This is how you are, how you have always been. You see the opposites of you everywhere. Some are even your friends.

It must be so easy for them.

I wish I could be like that. No, I don't.

I'm supposed to love myself the way I am right?

But change is good too right?

You look around and see nothing but water. The ocean seems endless and no compass tells you which way to swim. You don't know if you will ever find the shore, or when the next wave is going to crash or settle. There are days where the water is calm, days where the waves push and pull, stretching you like taffy until you are exhausted and cannot breathe with voices, judgements, stares all filling your lungs and burning with a fear that only exists in your mind. You do not know what the next day will bring so for now, you float.