My Journey with Dysphoria

04/14/2019

Dysphoria is a heavy thing that I've been carrying with me for the past four months, still ongoing. Today, I've decided the share my story and my coping ways!

Where It Began

It was a day a bit different than usual, because my moods were changing very quickly. When I woke up, I changed my clothes and went to the bathroom to look in the mirror. Somehow, I felt discomfort in what I saw. I just thought it was because I dressed a bit more feminine, so I switched to more gender neutral clothes. I felt a bit more happy, but something I was seeing still made me feel weird, sorta angry or sad. That day was the day where everything changed, and I barely knew it from the start. After, for a few weeks, the feeling came back every single day. I became mildly depressed after that, but I never bothered telling anyone I thought it was a phase, or something that would go away, and for some people it does go away. But for me, it just clung onto my back and never let go. I stopped doing things I was usually fond of doing, or did every single day of my life. I never bothered taking showers, I always stayed inside my room, and after a few weeks going into December I started to have multiple panic attacks per week. It was a really unhealthy route, so after that I tried to reach out for help.

Finding Resources

Reaching out and finding resources was one of the hardest decisions I've made, especially after everything. Self harming was a thing I wasn't proud about my history, so when it came to mind I started having doubts about reaching out to others. But I knew it would just get worse, so instead the first people I talked to about it was my parents.

My mom didn't want to really talk about it at all, because she isn't very fond of the LGBT community, so when I told her about how I was feeling, instead of comforting me she ranted to me about how expensive it is to be transgender, how they're seen in the public eye, and what everyone is going to think. I didn't ask for her to give me money for surgery, I just wanted her to comfort me and accept me for who I am. I wanted her to be by my side while finding out who I am, and what I was going through. But after all that, neither of my guardians really wanted to support me through it.

Another thing I tried after a few weeks, was going online and finding support groups or communities to talk to, and even doing some research. The first thing I came across was the word "dysphoria," seeming that my symptoms reached up to it. After doing some research on that, I decided to go onto some LGBT group chats and communities since dysphoria was sorta a part of being transgender. I didn't identify as transgender, because I didn't know what it meant to be transgender. I thought it was whether you wore boy or girl clothes, or acted masculine or feminine. But clearly, that's not it. After talking for a while, I reached the last resource I probably had.

Talking to a Counselor or Therapist

My counselor has been with me for about a year, but it came to a sad point where she had to close the file because my parents didn't want me transitioning or thinking I was transgender. She helped me feel more comfortable in my own shoes and when I didn't, she tried supporting me. After a few of our sessions, I tried experimenting. I put on more masculine clothing, went by a different name(s), and did things I wouldn't normally do. Experimenting was a thing that really helped, the thing I liked most was doing binding. It helped me appear more flat, and pass as a boy. I tried choosing a name to go by; a few I tried were Derrick, Kyle, and Aaron. One of the name's stuck with me for a while, and I felt happier being called Aaron.

One of my biggest regrets experimenting was trying to use ace bandages as a binder (DO NOT, I REPEAT, DO NOT DO IT), I couldn't breathe after a few hours, so I took it off.

After a while, I had to say goodbye to my therapist, and now I'm sorta on my own. I'm a bit excited because I did order a binder and it's coming in a few days, so that will be great!

Coping Strategies!

This is probably the only reason you even clicked on this, so let's just get straight to it! :D

1. Meditation/breathing activities
2. ASMR
3. Experimenting
4. Exercising
5. Writing poetry/a book!
6. Literally writing down what you feel
7. Watching transition timeline videos

These are some of the things I do to cope with my dysphoria, but if it's not working I try my best to sleep or take a walk, and admire the things around me.

♥ Thank you for reading! ♥