My Life: Schizophrenia

Step into my brain for a little while, and you'll want out as soon as you can..

You're a child; you wake up every day with three different people talking inside your head. Some days, you completely black out. When you come to, your peers tell you that you told them you wish they'd just die. “There's no way that was me,” you try to convince yourself, but this is happening more and more these days... They're constantly there, screaming, crying, scratching at your brain to get out. “Just let me say a few things,” they argue but you know it would be chaos if you did.

My Alters

An alter is a character your brain makes up, usually after a traumatic experience. There's Ally, the sweet, innocent girl that you could never be because a much older man only thought about his own pleasure. She keeps you young at heart. When she's around, everything is peaceful and funny. You feel calm and she says nice things to you. You really like Ally except when she's around you act very young. Ally is 4 and you're her best friend. She writes songs about when you are together. She's a lot of fun.

Then, there's Blaze. Blaze is mean. He comes out when you're angry. He says things that you don't mean and that hurt people's feelings but he doesn't care. He only cares about himself. Blaze caused you to almost end your life many times because of what he says to you. He's a more powerful alter who makes himself known. From the moment you wake up to the moment you fall asleep and even sometimes when you're asleep, he makes your blood boil. Because of him, you're easily angered. No one understands this. No one understands that a voice in your head makes you want to hurt yourself every chance you get. So, you turn to self harm. You try and try to get him to be quiet but all he does is laugh because even after death, he'll still haunt you.

The last but main alter is Summer. Her name is Summer because she was born in the midst of the season. She came after your first breakup. She only speaks nice things, even when she's upset. She tries to tell Blaze to quit but even she can't stop him. Summer loves nature and anything to do with art. She's the reason you're so talented in photography and makeup. She guides your hand and creates a masterpiece. Out of all of the alters, she's the most like you. She created who you are to this day and she's the one keeping you sane. She tells you that you're beautiful and talented and special. When someone breaks your heart or gets you down, she's the one to come along and pick you back up. Summer is my favorite.

Living with schizophrenia is not easy. Each of my alters have been born after something traumatic has happened to me. Most of them I've lived with most of my life and after 20 years, I'm finally learning how to overcome them. It isn't easy and every day is a new struggle for me. There are still times I let them get to me and I have very bad days. I've been self harm free for almost a year now and I've never been this happy. When I let them control me, I lost people, whether it be friends, family, or potential friends. No one knows what goes on in my head, not even my boyfriend. I've always been so scared to tell my story in fear I'd lose what matters to me. So, to everyone out there who has no clue how this affects someone, this is my story and I suffer from it every day.