My Life With Depression

I think it's about time that I share my story. I hope that it can one day help someone who's going through the same things that I am, hoping it may one day save a life, hoping you will understand.... that you are not alone.

This is one of the most difficult things I have ever written. It's so hard for me to open up, to feel vulnerable, to be exposed to criticism, to judgmental sneers from the public. I've never spoken about this before, for fear that my loved ones, my friends, strangers will see me differently, see me as a different person, view me as weak.

About 18 years ago, I was diagnosed with depression (I am 31), a mental illness that is often misconstrued, misjudged, and misunderstood. It was a problem I knew I had for a very long time, but has recently gotten to the point of hardly being able to function.

This illness hurts; it hurts mentally, physical, emotionally; it hurts your loved ones, your family, your friends. Some days it feels like an anchor sitting on your chest; you can't breath, you can't think, and you can't escape. It's like a shadow you constantly try and outrun.

Depression is the days I feel sad for no reason.

The nights I cry myself to sleep for nothing.

The mornings I can barely get out of bed, being so tired when I wake up that all I want to do is stay in bed.

It's eating too much or too little, or nothing at all.

It's sleeping too much, or not sleeping at all.

It's getting lost in my own thoughts, obsessing, replaying things in my head over and over.

It's all the "what if's":

"What if I just didn't wake up today?"

"What if I just ran away?"

"What if I died today?"

The breakdowns I have because I feel so overwhelmed even when everything is going right.

It's constantly fearing the worse.

Beating myself up everyday over everything.

It's the need to constantly distract myself with TV or social media because I can't be alone with my own thoughts.

It's the friendships I have lost due to the inability to function.

It's the tears that well up in my eyes because I feel worthless, even when I know I shouldn't.

It's losing interest in the things I love the most... art, dance, music.

It's saying hurtful things to the people I love simply to push them away, believing they would be better without my friendship/companionship.

It's the hurtful thoughts and actions I have towards myself.

It's always wanting to be alone, yet crying because I am lonely.

This letter is not a cry for help, or a plea for attention, I'm writing it in the hopes of shedding some light on the topic and bringing awareness to mental illness. I'm writing to let you know that if you feel this way, or if you know someone that feels this way, just know that you are not alone.

Society always focuses on their physical well being, but not enough on their mental well being. We all suffer (some more than others). You'd be surprised to know how many people in your life struggle with depression, anxiety, or other mental illnesses. This is not a choice and if I could, I'd take it away in a heartbeat.

I try my hardest to keep a smile on my face, even on the days when I am screaming inside, but lately the smiles are few and far between. The struggle with depression is neverending. It lingers and clings to you with a rib-crushing force. You can't escape it, you can't run from it, and you can't hide from it. All you can do is accept it. Learn from it and try your hardest to beat it.

"I think the saddest people always try their hardest to make other people happy because they know what is like to feel absolutely worthless and they don't want anyone else to feel like that. "- Robin Williams