My Mental Health

"I'm so sorry to tell you but you're husband has schizophrenia and he will probably have to take medication for the rest of his life."

Hearing this was the most surreal moment of my life, after months of not knowing I could finally put a name to the horror that's crept through our lives for the past 3 years.

Rewind 3 years to the day my husband plucked up the courage to tell me he was hearing voices telling him to hurt himself, he had been hearing things for months but was petrified of how I would react, of how his friends and family would react so he kept it secret... just think of that for a moment, hearing voices so loud you cannot hear the tv over them... telling you to jump out the window, or jump in front of traffic. I cannot think of anything more terrifying than your own thoughts turning against you. Waking up every day to constant degrading bullying from your own mind. It left him frozen in bed for weeks on end, he was so afraid to leave the house in case the voices got too loud or people would start reading his mind and thoughts. He was medically dismissed from his job which drove him deeper and deeper into a depression and I had to admit him to the psychiatric hospital. Seeing your husband who was bubbly, friendly, hilarious, and kind turning into a medicated zombie who has been sitting staring at a wall for 4 hours you kind of know things will never be the same.

3 years on after numerous stays in hospitals, 19 different medication changes, and a list of side effects the size of my arm, I'm so sad to say he still hears voices... everyday, all day.

But we persevere.... we wake up every day and take one breath at a time. I know he can never be cured, I hope one day we can find some solution. But what I find most difficult is the stigma attached to schizophrenia.

When you tell somebody you are depressed 9 out of 10 can obviously relate. But when you tell somebody you have schizophrenia most people only know the violent side portrayed by the media. I've actually had somebody ask me if I'm in danger from living with somebody with schizophrenia.

I was horrified. My husband worked in a pet shop... I've seen him scream like a girl when a puppy came into the shop. He had a large network of friends growing up and was by all means "Normal." He was also completely non violent, worked from leaving school, and didn't have a bad bone in his body. Schizophrenia might have ravaged his mind but he was still the same person. He might be shattered into a million pieces and feel like nothing. But he was still the same person.

I don't see the illness... I see him, and that's the best advice I can give anybody... don't be afraid of mental health, strive to understand it and see the person and not the illness. Love yourself most of all.