My Mental Ill Health Was Rejected - How It Made Me Feel

Since the age of 8 years old I have suffered with two well known mental illnesses - C-PTSD and depression.

Not only have I been suffering for 12 whole years now, I thought my behaviour was 'normal behaviour' until I turned 16 and was told that it wasn't normal at all.. which led to the diagnosis by 3 school counsellors, 1 college counsellors, 3 hospital counsellors, my GP and a psychiatrist.

Some behaviours I was exhibiting were inability to sleep, panic attacks, social anxiety, paranoia and intrusive thoughts, up until I was 16 I was told it was due to stress or problems at home, which were right I guess but there was no further examinations as to why I was stressed for all those years or what affect these problems at home had on me.

In fact, I was sexually abused when I was 15. I was spiked at a Halloween Party and had advantage taken out of me (yes, I had a drink but it was one bottle of Smirnoff Ice and glass of Bacardi breezer, definitely not enough to have caused to get blackout 'drunk' and forget everything.. but this is for another story). It took me 3 weeks to tell someone (which I was penalised by police officers for). My anxiety got so bad I couldn't go to school or focus on anything else really apart from staying at home. I didn't want to leave home and frankly I wouldn't apart from to do my exams, which was stressful enough, I had to sit in a private room and wouldn't leave until all of the other children had gone home.

At first, I was diagnosed with PTSD (the thought was that it had stemmed from the sexual abuse), however my trauma goes way back to the age of 8, it actually turned out that the sexual abuse added towards my diagnosis of Complex PTSD (C-PTSD) rather than ordinary PTSD. At the age of 16 this was all very confusing for me. I'd never even heard of PTSD, and when I did I was ridiculed by many people. 'Isn't that what the soldiers get?' 'You can't have that, you're not a soldier.' But unfortunately it's true, ordinary people get PTSD too. This is where I began to feel as if I couldn't open up to anyone. My own father rejected me, 'you don't have a mental illness, it's just a phase' and 'you shouldn't be telling people you have a mental illness, they'll think you're wrong' etc etc. I completely closed myself off from the world, in terms of speaking about my mental ill health, anyway. I did carry on going to counselling sessions (by the time I confronted my father I had been referred to counselling run by the NHS/Hospital) but this was about it, I just felt as if I couldn't speak to anyone about it, and just because I was going to these counselling sessions does not mean that I was being open with my counsellor, because I wasn't. In fact I only gave her a simplistic idea of what was going on, it was like I didn't even know myself. She asked me questions, most of the time being 'how does that make you feel?' I had no idea how to answer, I still don't.

Being officially diagnosed was a very hard time for me, coming to terms with understanding my behaviour/the way I feel wasn't normal and coming to accept that I had an illness and it's just not going to go away was exceptionally hard. However, the one thing I thought would change was that people would actually believe me, and didn't think I was looking for attention or being melodramatic, don't get me wrong my friends understood straight away, never questioned me once over it, just accepted that I had something wrong with me (which I am eternally grateful for), they were and are still the rocks I have in my life. However, being rejected by your family is still not a great feeling, manageable because I had my friends to support me, but a great weight rested on my shoulders because I couldn't even confide in my mum properly without feeling judged and rejected. My mother suffers with depression too, so she found it hard to understand why I had PTSD and depression when I had a 'great' childhood (I really didn't).

In October 2015, I met my boyfriend. We now live together. I have known him since I 2011, when I was 14, but we didn't start a relationship until I was 18, but I'd always been in love with him, and still very much am. This is where everything begins to change. I am now 18 and at University, officially now diagnosed with C-PTSD and depression, but coping.

I dropped out of university and moved in with my boyfriend (a year later I went back into university), as I felt like I needed him and couldn't live without him. Whenever I went back to my halls I would have excruciating intrusive thoughts, very intense suicidal thoughts and urges to self harm as well as flashbacks, insomnia and nightmares as soon as I got to sleep. It was a very hard time as the symptoms were at an all time high, I believe it was because he was the only thing that truly made me happy, and I was apart from him. Now he is great, very supportive, but he doesn't know what it is like to suffer with PTSD, and he does struggle with it sometimes as he doesn't know what to do and can't help, I tell him I just need to ride it through and he lets me get on with it. I am so grateful for him because he initially was the one who made me see that I NEEDED to get help and open up to professional people who could help me. After feeling depressed and suicidal to the point where I felt like I was going to hurt myself, I trusted my instincts enough to get down to the hospital as soon as I could, because I knew if I was in someone else's care, I will not be a threat to myself. To my disappointment, I was handed a bunch of cards and was told to go home, I am grateful for this now but at the time I saw myself as a threat, but it felt like nobody else did. On one of the cards was a mental health assessment line (for their own counselling, but then decided my symptoms and experience with my own mental ill-health were too intense for their own counselling and had to referred to counselling at a mental hospital). I received an assessment April 2016, but have been on an everlasting waiting list since (for cognitive behavioural therapy), I'd tried anti-depressants and EMDR at this point, but nothing worked. Although I know you can't help waiting lists, and that other people felt as badly as I did, I felt so low thinking that I would never get the help, I couldn't feel myself cope - I once again felt rejected.

September 2016 - I am finding everything way too hard to deal with and to the point where I thought I was going crazy. My boyfriend was also finding this incredibly hard to deal with, although I was back at university I needed extra help, finances were low which only added to the stress, my boyfriend stopped work to look after me, and my social anxiety was so bad I wasn't leaving the house, and choosing to do my uni work at home. I was advised by multiple advice companies to apply for disability benefits - as it was "obvious" I needed the help. So, I applied for Personal Independence Payments (PIP). It took over 16 weeks and a mandatory reconsideration to get an answer from them, which was still no. I was warned about this benefit, and that the people who would give me a health check are prone to lying and under exaggerating the disability, which I do understand as there are a lot of benefits frauds out there, it's a shame because being rejected made me feel the worse I've ever felt, knowing that not even the Government would recognise my disability/mental ill health, even though it was written down on paper in black and white.

At the assessment I came with my partner, he spoke a lot and I did a bit as well, I was told that they would get in contact with my healthcare specialists.. GPs and Psychiatrist mainly but a couple of other people on the form too. And I had written out a form which helps me to explain whats wrong with me and how it affects me, they use this in their 'points scoring' system which works out a persons entitlement. I thought the assessment went well, I was honest and thought I'd done a good job opening up to the specialist and answering all her questions as effectively and detailed as possible. I cannot stress enough how much effort and courage I had to put in to speaking up to her about my life and my past, baring in mind I couldn't even open up to my counsellors about this stuff, I suppose the need for money was a motivator which I am ashamed to admit but I am being as honest as I possibly can on here.

Well after this review, I was rejected. This was based on the fact that I was "alone" during the interview/assessment (which I wasn't as my partner was there, and even spoke on my behalf!), that I was on a low dose of anti-depressants and no record of therapy (I told her that I was on a waiting list, but clearly that wasn't good enough) and that I had not provided any medical evidence (but they, themselves had it written down that they would seek the medical evidence, I had given them all the information they needed to get in contact with them and everything), amongst many other small lies and distorted facts of the assessment. I thought this was incredibly unprofessional of the Government to state these lies, but unfortunately there was nothing I could do, I tried to appeal and complain about this, but I lost on both occasions. And so I felt disheartened, worthless and wanted to give up on everything I had built myself up for.

So that's the story about how I go on to feel rejected about my mental health, even 4 years post diagnosis, I am still being judged and laughed at, people still tell me that I can't have PTSD because it's what the soldiers have, the only thing that has changed is that my mother is now more understanding of it (mainly because she saw the evidence) but it doesn't make things better by any means, however it does make things easier to cope with I guess. I am now really struggling to open up to anyone, even my partner, as the one time in my whole life where I had the courage to open up to someone, it was thrown back in my face by people I thought I could trust.

I hope that my story makes someone else's story that little bit more relatable, I hope that you find some reassurance in my story that you are not the only one feeling the way you do and that there will be someone to help, even if it's one friend, or some anonymous person on the internet, find the person who cares and let them help you to build and blossom It might seem impossible but I am getting there and I know you can too, have faith in yourself.