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My Mind is Messy

I Am Truly Sorry If You Don't Understand What I'm Trying to Say

By Ria BaezPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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I don't want to be jealous or mad just because someone else gets the things I want, but I can't control my feelings. If people could control their feelings, depression wouldn't exist. I know being envious isn't nice but guess what? Not everything in life is nice. And I get mad at myself for feeling jealous, because I don't want to be jealous. Then I get mad at myself for getting mad at myself for getting jealous because I shouldn't get mad at myself for feeling something I can't control. It's complicated.

My feelings can be divided. One side of me is just letting itself feel and the other side is attacking that side for it. For example, sometimes I complain because the water isn't hot enough when I'm showering. I like burning hot water. I want to hear my skin sizzle while I'm in the shower. Just hot. Really hot. So, when the water isn't hot, I get mad. Even if the water is warm I still get angry because that's not how I like my water. Then I think, "Ok, maybe the water isn't super hot but at least you have water. There's so many people who don't have clean running water and here you are complaining because your water isn't scorching hot."

That's when I get mad at myself for being mad in the first place. Every time I complain about these kinds of situations I feel like a brat because I know that many people out there have it much worse than me. However, not only am I unable to control my feelings but there is nothing wrong with me feeling this way.

That's when I get mad at myself for being mad at myself for being mad in the first place (that's a mouthful). My feelings are valid. Just because someone out there is sadder than me doesn't mean I can't be sad. Just because someone out there is happier than me doesn't mean I can't be happy. I'm allowed to complain about my water being warm instead of hot.

I want to point out that of course I am incredibly grateful for having a house, a bed, clean running water, food, etc... But I want better than just water. I want hot water, and there is nothing wrong with wanting something better, as long as you appreciate what you already have.

Of course the whole hot water thing was just my way of simplifying the situation so you can kind of understand what I am trying to say. My feelings cause a lot of conflict in my mind and it's really hard to come up with words that make sense to try to explain what I think about. I'm not sure if my emotions will always be this way or this is just a teenage thing that will go away as soon as I turn 20. Honestly, even though my Rubik's Cube like feelings can be exasperating, I hope they don't go away as I grow older.

The fact that my emotions are so complex gives me different points of view about the same situation. In order to elaborate in a way that you (maybe) will understand I'm going to do us all a favor and bring back the hot water example but I will change it up a bit. Let's say my water was cold when I took a shower and I told my friend Harry about the horrible morning I had because of that. Harry says, "Wow, you're so stuck up, there's people in the world who have no water". Then, our friend Carolina chimes in (with a haven't you people ever heard of...) and says, "Harry stop attacking her. No one is forbidding her from complaining just because there's people who don't have water. She knows she is blessed but there is nothing wrong with wanting better".

In this scenario Harry, Caroline, and I are three different people with three different thought processes. But in reality, Harry, Caroline and I are all in my head. I'm not trying to say I have split personalities. No. What I'm trying to say is that: I think, then I have opinions about my thoughts, and then I have opinions about my opinions about my initial thoughts (and it goes on and on but you get it). And because my thoughts and feelings work this way, I can get different perspectives about matters. This is great because I can see things from many angles without a biased opinion but at the same time it causes a lot of conflict because sometimes (many times) I can't agree with myself. One part of me says hot water, the other part of me says cold water, and none of them want warm water so I'm left not showering at all (this is just an example of course I do shower).

I feel like everything I just wrote is a mess because I'm trying to portray my exact thoughts in a way that people other than me will understand and that's very hard. In conclusion, I have different feelings and different opinions and they all just clash in my head which makes it really hard for me to agree with myself and have a definitive belief about anything :).

humanity
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About the Creator

Ria Baez

a 16yo girl who knows nothing

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