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My Name Is Ana Davis

And I need you to know.

By Ana DavisPublished 6 years ago 4 min read
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My name is Ana Davis, and there are things I need you to know.

I am trying to find the right words to start writing, but it is making my hands sweat and my heart pound.

There are things I do, that you won't understand. I put away scissors that lie around because I can see how my cat jumps onto the table and the scissor cuts his little paw off because, you know, scissors just do that, by themselves... When I slip and almost fall, I see how I fall on my head, break my neck, screaming, crying, and everyone who tries to help comes apart at the seams. I see undiscovered diseases that can wipe out a nation. I wake up several times a night with tears streaming down my face because I have a deep-seated aversion to my own dreams that haunts me and makes me rethink my existence. My mind constantly reminds me of all the things that could go wrong, and on many days I drag myself out of bed despite the fear of the future. I (try to) suppress my thinking because I am frightened by my thoughts.

I believe that I have to do certain things for people to accept and love me. Without love from the people I adore, it becomes impossible to love myself. Just because I say I feel unappreciated and unloved, does not mean that the people around me don't appreciate and love me. Just because an air of melancholy surrounds me today, does not mean anything bad happened. I can be the definition of rock-bottom, during times in my life where nothing could be more ideal, this makes me exasperated with myself because I am fully aware of the inconvertible truth - that my life is good, most of the time, yet I write things like,

I changed my clothes four times before we left, maybe two. I don't remember. I don't remember much. It was a sad day, nothing happened.

and

And then I am fighting with myself, again. Stop crushing your hands under your chin like they aren't worthy of being alive. It hurts too much in the morning; like they were run over by a truck. Why are you writing when you should be sleeping?

Now, you must think I am deranged, but there are things I need you to know.

When I stay in bed for hours, I am not feeling sorry for myself, it is all my mind and body allow me to do at that time. I need you to not judge me right then. I need you to not try and understand. I don’t need you to feel sorry for me, all I need is a little bit of time, maybe more than you believe I need. I need you to know that the medication I take is not a cure-all. It does not numb me; it does not take this illness away; it simply helps me to manage my life a little better than I would—not cope at all—without it. These pills allow me to be a little more conventional, a little more socially acceptable.

I don’t expect you to understand how I feel, but I need you to know that my brain does not work the same way yours does. My mind is mostly in control of me and not me of it. I don't stop thinking EVER.I need you to know that I didn't order anxiety and depression in bulk on Amazon and celebrated when it was delivered. I need you to know that I suffer from anxiety and depression, and, because I do, I resent myself even more. I am dissatisfied with myself even more because I do. It's called suffering for a reason. I need you to know that I have not made this choice. I don’t do anything I do because I am garnering attention: I do things I do, and don't for that matter, because it is all my mind allows at that moment.

I need you to know that I am trying very hard, every day, to think the way you do, to avoid the downhearted thoughts, to not visualize unwelcome things happen before they do (and they probably never will—this is me trying).

I need you to know there is so much going on in my mind that I never talk about, and never will, and that too is OK. My mind is home to so many thoughts and fears about today and the future. Yet, apart from my convoluted mind, I am still human, capable of experiencing joy. I am still capable of feeling, very deeply, empathetically (which sometimes works against me) and surprisingly on some days. I can be the strongest most motivational person you have ever met.

What I am asking is for you to not judge me but instead love me, even more, when I least deserve it (that is in fact when I need it most). I need you to forgive me when I seem ungrateful. I need you to take what you read to heart and most of all, I need you to accept me with all my flaws.

My name is Ana Davis, and I suffer from more than just this "indisposition."

~ Ana Davis

anxiety
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About the Creator

Ana Davis

Ana Davis enjoys reading and sharing her thoughts and experiences through writing.

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