My Origins of Self-Loathing

In an era populated with selfies, Instagram posts of perfect lives and adventures, and a barrage of Facebook posts showcasing the best of most people's days - it is easy to feel insecure. It is also easy to feel despondently lost, trapped in work positions that are unfulfilling or meaningless - or generally stuck at the "starting gate".

For many people, this creates a general sense of dis-ease. For those with a well developed sense of self-worth and a healthy psychological state it can be a challenge to continually feel worthy and on top of things, but for those who struggle in the self-esteem department these reminders of success or personal satisfaction can become a perpetual reminder of perceived loss. When these emotions do not abate, self-confidence generally starts to decline, and with this decline in confidence frequently comes additional comments of a critical nature by others.

Ultimately, I do not believe that a decline in our perception of self-worth is tied to seeing other people be happy. If anything, there is something potentially assuring in reading about those who might have come from similar backgrounds or who seem to have similar abilities achieve those notable highs so lauded by society. I do not believe that we start out as envious creatures; I believe that we begin to covet the experiences that others seem to have achieved when we lose hope in experiencing these same perceived joys.

However, many of us enter adulthood with a tenuous grasp of our own importance. We might feel as if we need to achieve some exterior status of being a worthy person through our "offerings" - those contributions that highlight our gifts and our potential - before we can feel at peace in our own bodies and minds. So when this doesn't align (these expectations for our lives) for a multitude of reasons such as chronic illness, depression, or tough life circumstances that make reaching our goals seem not only daunting but potentially impossible - it can generate a huge amount of inner turmoil and upset.

Additionally, we live in a critical society. We live in a society where people frequently vocalize highly abrasive comments about our physical appearance, our job title, our socioeconomic position, and a multitude of other labels we associate with our own existence - as often "lacking."

My own life experiences are populated with such criticisms and sometimes, sadly, scorn - and for many years if not the majority of my life, I struggled not only with self-acceptance and self-compassion but ultimately self-love. The concept was alien to me, and not for the lack of warmth and compassion shown to me by my immediate family and close friends. Instead, I felt a distinct and growing ache that not only did I not belong on this planet, but that I was also disliked in general. This critical nature, it should be noted, did not extend to others. On the contrary! I was typically the first person to offer support to others that I saw as struggling in some capacity.

Looking back on my development, I now believe that this almost inexhaustible empathy for others came at a steep price, for it was twinned to a far too open and readily accepting nature. It meant that I tended to listen deeply to the comments of almost everyone around me, even those that in retrospect were not treating me with equal respect and consideration.

As a child often berated by adults and extended family for being too sensitive, I generally felt like I was lacking in many areas. If I was called out for taking harsh words too seriously, I often added these harsh words to a litany of names I would call myself when no one else was around.

While I was not unpopular growing up, I was also not considered cool, either. I was generally well received by most adults, even though I was considered an odd daydreamer, and when I was criticized it seemed to hit me harder than most. I struggled with any comment of a depreciating nature and eventually began to feel as if there was something about my very nature that was worthy of ridicule. Of course, I could never pinpoint an exact trait that generated the taunts by other kids, so I began hyper-focusing on all areas of my life. In rapid succession, I quickly developed a dislike for almost every facet of my own expression: my voice, which I felt was too soft and timid, my penmanship, how I dressed, how I looked, and my interests.

It is important to note that while I often felt as if I were "lacking" in some vitally important yet indiscernible way, this feeling was not reciprocated by adults. I often achieved the highest marks in every class, even well into my University instruction. I tutored fellow high school students (and later University students), and knew my tutoring was well received and appreciated. Yet, the sense of being out-of-place, adrift, and unworthy remained for reasons I struggled to identify.

Eventually, I came to recognize that despite my accomplishments I still had a rather crummy sense of self-worth. It was paper thin, easily torn, and gingerly composed with scraps of advice gleaned from self help books that didn't really ever get to the heart of the matter of why I felt so miserable inside.

Why did I feel so badly about myself, and what could I do to feel at ease in my own body? And more so, without changing myself at some fundamental level - was it possible to not only accept who I was and how I presented myself to the world naturally but instead grow to love the oft-called quirky, eccentric and "hypersensitive" adult that I had apparently grown to become?

First, put down that weight.

Poor self-image isn't something that anyone actively cultivates. I think almost everyone understands this much intellectually, and yet it is likely perplexing when we witness the inner turmoil expressed in various forms of anxious expression, made manifest to the world; when we see those who seem to be internally squirming inside, lacking that basic measure of peace with their own self, when we ourselves cannot discern a cause or reason for such upset.

Below I will outline the basic steps and modifications I eventually made to my own life that helped me slowly move beyond having a very low and degraded sense of self-worth and self-importance to one a little bit more accurate, fair, and kind.

On Empathy

Empathy is often spoken about as being a wonderful trait, and it *is* a wonderful trait - when applied to not only how we treat others, but how we treat ourselves.

Yet I have come to learn that sometimes the most highly empathetic individuals struggle with self-love. While they generally have a near-boundless reserve of patience for others, those that are often highly empathic can seem devoid of this same patience and concern for their own selves.

Ultimately, I think this struggle is rooted in an unrealistic idealism of what we are capable of and what we want to give back to the world. Our visions, our very dreams, are often grander and more intricately visioned than what we can see developing in our lives and this can cause feelings of not only frustration but also ineptitude.

From science fiction shows to pop psychology articles we often hear the word "empath" thrown about to describe a very caring, very feeling person who naturally relates to others at an emotionally unguarded level rather than from that of a cooler and more calculated intellectual position.

Additionally, because this trait generally is a boon to those who are on the receiving end of empathic actions, it is often praised initially - especially when we are children. We soon begin to attach significance to this label, and we feel indebted to those who considered us to be kind to forever reward others with an inexhaustible reserve of compassion. The special attention we might receive early on, during our formative years, shapes us into feeling good when we do what seems to come naturally to us - which is to always consider the 'Other.'

This is often to our detriment, since many of the behaviours that go hand-in-hand with always being altruistic or always trying to protect or show kindness to others are not always reciprocated.

And it is this lack of reciprocity that often generates, what I believe, are some of the seedling issues that later cause people who are highly empathic to become highly self-deprecating.

While that may seem contradictory at first, I do feel that all human beings who are emotionally healthy have some latent awareness of situations that are unjust or unfair. When we see someone else struggle due to perceived injustice, the healthy response is to be attentive and perhaps responsive in a way that can better the situation for this other individual who might need aid. For those who are highly empathic this can lead to an inner restlessness that often is only alleviated when we feel as if we have personally helped to correct for this injustice or unfairness.

As case in point, when I was in the first grade I witnessed some classmates harshly tease and harass a little boy that I had come to deeply respect. His name was John, and he came from a poorer family. He very rarely had lunch money to get pizza or milk, and he almost always wore the same clothing. Though I grew up in a single parent family of limited financial means myself, I thought that I could correct for this imbalance, and so saved my allowance money to purchase Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle figurines for John which I then left on his doorstep, anonymously, so he would not feel as if he had to 'share' with me.

During lunch time and recesses on the playground, I would seek him out and offer him the treats that my mum had packed for me, such as a Raphael donut from a specialty bakery that catered to children who had severe allergies (of which I had many).

While the bullying did not seem to abate immediately, slowly, my little offerings seemed to create an environment in which he felt respected. He would show his new toys that I had left on his doorstep with the other kids in the class, and gradually a mutual interest in such a popular and beloved show seemed to help him connect with the other kids. At some very minute level my plan, perhaps, had worked - and my little 6 year old self felt it was a "very good thing." I was left with a deep sense of comfort whenever he looked happy.

At the same time, while this was occurring, I was also being bullied in a highly aggressive manner. An older boy from the 5th grade had taken a keen interest in trying to scare me and started bringing weapons to school with threats of attacks. In some distant way, I realized the situation was severe but I was so focused on other people that I failed to bring attention to the matter or to immediately inform my mum or my teachers of how I was being treated.

Eventually, the bullying culminated into an attempt at violence when this older child brought a hatchet to school with threats that he would use it to physically harm me. Even then, amidst this fear, I refrained from actively seeking help. Somehow, even as a young child, I knew that I was generally encouraged to think of others before myself, and so in a very strange display of what I considered bravery I remained almost mute.

The bullying quickly came to an end one afternoon after school had ended; my teacher found me hiding beneath a thorny bush, my clothes torn, crying. Even then, I remember becoming agitated with the belief that I was somehow burdening my teacher with worry and concern and for that reason alone, she wouldn't "like me" anymore.

Now, obviously, empathy alone doesn't account for such a development. But I also believe that some children prize the early words of acknowledgement for deeds well done so strongly that the fear of losing their status as a "good student" or a "kind person" can eclipse other tendencies. Self-preserving tendencies, often, and perhaps most acutely.

For whatever reason, from my earliest moments on earth I had developed a world view in which my worthiness was dependent on how kind I was or what I could do to help other people.

I never seemed to internalize that the words of encouraging adults were comments of a nature, instead of behaviours that I felt could shift and change, and so I seemed more scared of losing this status than of pursuing my own happiness. My own happiness always seemed secondary to me at best growing up, and was often relegated to the last position in my hierarchy of attainable goals.

Instead, I convinced myself that when others were happy *I* was happy. That my happiness was, in fact, dependent on *others* always being happy.

Eventually, my conception of personal happiness seemed to slowly become more and more nebulous and almost unidentifiable. My sense of personal satisfaction quickly became less dependent on what I naturally desired for myself and more about not only fulfilling expectations that others placed on me but of exceeding those expectations grandly and in impressive displays. When my attempts to become better at any given task seemed to stagnate or plateau, even in my own imaginings, I became utterly self abrasive - denying myself not only treats, but also pursuing an ascetic path of rigorous self denial just to see if I could prompt myself to focus more intently on studies that felt dry or rote and achieve higher marks in notoriously difficult classes with the misguided belief that in doing so, I would attain that internal sense of peace that comes with being respected.

What I Have Learned...

is this:

In some respects, those that criticize others excessively often display traits that are polar to those of highly empathetic people. When a child demonstrates a high degree of empathy from an early age, it usually stands to reason that these children not only are extremely aware of another being's personal pain but also generally have a very solid interest in making things just, or "even."

So, for me, when another person who had previously seemed unhappy was made somewhat happier by my attentions, I felt as if I had righted a wrong. On a very small scale perhaps, but all the same - it was a rush, and almost a euphoric one at that. It held profound significance for me and I felt that my focus on making that which was unfair less unfair was meaningful in a greater way than cultivating my own happiness could ever be.

Unfortunately, this can lead to all sorts of problems. Firstly, as children, we tend to have a rather constricted view of reality. If we are generally very honest people we typically perceive that others will also be honest, and if they are not honest, we seek out potential reasons for the discrepancy. When people are cruel to us, we question our own behaviours and look for reasons that have to do with our own presence when, often, the reasons have little to do with us and generally have everything to do with factors outside our control.

Bullying itself is an extreme dysfunction that occurs whenever one person that is in pain recognizes a weakness in another and temporarily exploits this weakness to avoid facing the reality of their deep unhappiness. Yet, those that are bullied are also unhappy. It is not a difference in pain, but a difference in processing that I believe leads some to go on the offensive while others fight off attacks.

In my case, the conditions that led to me wanting to make others happy (which made me into quite a "people pleaser" - an expression that was sometimes bandied about scornfully as I got older) was a giant sign to others that I cared not only about how others saw me, but that I could be manipulated by others who might not be fairness-focused in such a way as to become an object that could be toyed with, or used. Not necessarily because I was actively detested, but because I was open, unguarded, and ultimately full of idealistic illusion that what we give to others is what we will always get back from others in return.

As an adult, I have learned that this is not always the case. I have learned that adults can bully other adults, and even other children, just as badly as kids on a playground. I have learned that the motto "we reap what we sow" only makes sense in very specific contexts - such as when we are dealing with like-minded people. And for those that early on associated their very being with a being that would always, without fail, be kind to others - this can become extremely unhealthy.

What I have ultimately come to learn is that EMPATHY WITHOUT EMPATHY FOR THE SELF IS DESTRUCTIVE.

It generates conditions in which others perceive you as potentially weak, even though this is often an unfair judgment, and it generally marks you as a target by those who are not motivated by the same ideals.

I firmly believe that self-love starts when you consider your person as being as intrinsically worthy of all those small kindnesses you would extend to any other person. If your view of empathy doesn't include yourself, it is incomplete.

SELF-LOVE HOMEWORK as it relates to empathy:

1. Take time to create a bedtime for yourself, regardless of age, and regardless of expectations to attend events or social gatherings. By putting your physical health first, you are securing a stronger reality for yourself. One in which you are better rested and better able to deal not only with emotionally trying situations, but also aiding your mental health. Sleep deprivation can worsen many of the traits associated with depression and low self esteem, and so by cultivating a nightly ritual in which you are able to rest you are helping to bolster your physical reserves.
2. It is OKAY to pull away from people who are excessively critical of you. Of course, while constructive criticism is a good thing and can help us grow as people, many individuals criticize in a nature that is demoralizing or which invokes shame and a sense of inferiority. If you frequently feel greater self-loathing after spending time with a certain individual, consider reducing the amount of time you interact with this person. Or avoiding being around this person entirely, if it is in your power.
3. Realize that you do have a choice in how you treat yourself. Indulge in treats and allowances that you previously kept ''off limit'' or only granted yourself when you felt as if you had ''earned'' such benefits.
4. Prize your time. Be diligent in your work, and give attention and focus to tasks in work and in social dynamics, but consider your YOU time to be an equally important part of your daily existence. Leave work at the agreed upon time, and raise attention or awareness if your skills are being used without pay. You would support another person in doing so to attain a better life-work balance, and you deserve this too.

On Perfectionism

One component that often seems to go hand-in-hand with those who often experience self-loathing is perfectionism.

Perfectionism is the striving towards doing all things not only with excellence, but a relentless drive to eclipse previous displays or attainments to continuously grow even when the amount of energy needed to attain this 'perfect' status is unhealthy.

And while striving to become better people is a solid and worthy goal, at the heart of perfectionism is a sense of inadequacy that when the very best is not obtained we are failing.

Perfectionism, additionally, can become attached to conditions in which we have limited or non-existent control.

For example, after I moved provinces and found myself situated in the sprawling city of Vancouver, BC, I found myself feeling rather lost and in search of connection and friendship. Shortly after obtaining work, I started to take my lunch break with fellow employees in my department to help overcome my more introverted nature.

One afternoon, in front of half a dozen or so fellow co-workers, a particular employee who I previously thought had respected me began to comment about my physical appearance while I was also sitting at the table eating my prepared lunch. He began to point out aspects of my facial features that he felt could be improved upon, mocked my dietary choices, and told me that my face was too gaunt and that my bone frame was "concerning." I recall the heated feeling of deep shame at his comments being so loudly proclaimed - and somewhat shocked by his callousness informed him that my bone frame was out of my control, and that my face - while thin - was something I had comparatively little control over. I can still remember the embarrassed way that others at the table eyed me in discomfort, equally taken aback by the man's words but not knowing what to say or do to reduce my embarrassment.

As I left work and trundled home, I stopped in a grocery market and picked up a variety of high fat, high calorie meal supplements, new concealer, and creams in an effort to "plump" up my face in such a way that I would feel better about my appearance. Unbeknownst to the employee who had made the comments, I had recently gotten over a rather severe GI condition that had required me to subsist on a liquid diet for an extended period of time, and because of that condition had lost a great deal of weight. While I was at the checkout, the cashier scanning in my purchases turned to me and informed me that she liked my "cheekbones" and that they were highly delineated. Still, despite these words, my perfectionism had reared it's ugly head yet again and my mind was hissing with self-loathing commentary about how my features were distorted, strange, unattractive and ultimately ugly.

I had gone from being placidly unconcerned about my physical features to exquisitely sensitive as to what I could now see was an underweight frame which needed "correction."

I left the supermarket feeling conflicted; understanding that I had felt no self-loathing over how I had looked mere hours before, but now felt on display and gossiped about. And because I knew the comments would circulate widely, as I had witnessed was the norm at my new workplace, I was distressed with thoughts about further ridicule.

Over the course of the next year, I continued to try and improve my self-image by doing everything "perfectly." I ate a high fat diet in an attempt to make up for some of the loss in my cheeks from being so sick, and I became dedicated in every aspect of my dietary practices: abstaining from all sugar, increasing vitamin C and fat stores, drinking copious amounts of water in a failed attempt to "puff" my face up to a level that looked more typical.

Even so, despite modest gains in how full my face looked after months of dedicated eating, the original commentator then took issue with this new development, also to the negative.

I realized that my perfectionistic ways had only put me through months of dedicated focus, in an attempt to "blend in" and not be seen as "ugly." I had failed to consider that people can say all sorts of insensitive things with absolutely no thought of how such a comment can impact another person. On that day, realizing again that my perfectionism wasn't serving me, I attended an evening supper with my family and ate whatever I wanted.

SELF-LOVE HOMEWORK as it relates to perfectionism:

1. Every time you feel yourself expending a huge amount of energy to complete a task, ask yourself WHY? Why are you dedicating such a large portion of your awareness and time to this task?If the answer is because it will help you achieve a dream you have long held for yourself, proceed. But proceed with an allowance for excellence, not perfectionism.Your attempts to make yourself stronger or to improve some aspect of your life need to come from your own goals, not the criticisms of others who do not consider you as a person worthy of respect. And regardless of how anyone perceives another's physicality, commentary of a belittling nature is always *wrong.*
2. Consider the law of diminishing returns.When you do things well, you are doing more than enough.If you want to achieve perfection, remind yourself that perfection is ultimately non-obtainable and that obsessing over perceived inadequacies (either those that you have of yourself, or the ''borrowed'' sense of inadequacies 'gifted' to you by another's destructive comments) will likely lead to a sense of failure, as your idealized or 'perfected' sense of sense is likely an illusion.If some part of you recognizes a truth, even a partial truth, in the comments - attempt to pull back emotionally. Consider the situation as if you were an outsider, and proceed as you would guide a beloved family member or friend so as to feel better.Most likely, it would not be to proceed in an arduous "self-betterment" plan when the person criticized previously had no reservations or anxiety relating to the trait being criticized.Becoming focused on obtaining some level of "perfection" be it perceived physical perfection or in some other domain is a recipe for disaster.Give your best efforts to improving the areas of your life that you can fix, but kindly remind yourself that not everything about your exterior or interior being can ever be changed, nor should it be altered.
3. Attempt to finish an entire week by living excellently, and not perfectionistically.In all likelihood, you will see just how much time is wasted trying to alter situations and objectives that are already being more than fulfilled. Use that residual time to devote to avocations, hobbies, or volunteer work that you are passionate about.

SELF LOVE HOMEWORK - Supplemental:

While a lack of empathy for the self and perfectionism have seemingly been two of my greatest life foes, it should be stated that they are intimately related.

Oftentimes when we restrict self-kindness, we generate a discordant and unhealthy divide in our own awareness. We realize that showing kindness to others is good, but have neglected to be kind to ourselves. In essence, we are living an out-of-sync life. The traits so celebrated in our youth have become THE label that we attach to our person-hood, and because of that the title and the sustenance of that conception become of greater importance than our current day experiences and present happiness.

Because of this, it is all too easy to fall victim to an overly perfectionistic and even obsessive mindset that is trying to right the perceived inadequacies vocalized by others, often unfairly, and to make the meaningless feel meaningful.

Ultimately, not every comment or criticism given to you is going to be accurate. If you struggle with self-loathing, there are steps you can take to help temporarily quell those inner voices that are often stripping you of your sense of worth.

The final composition is of activities that have helped me when I have felt shamed, alienated, or self-hateful.

SELF-LOVE and activities that help you focus positively on your being:

1. Surround yourself with non-critical Others. These do not have to be human beings. Visit a shelter or a place that cares for animals, such as a sanctuary where you can interact with wonderful creatures that are incapable of malice. Every time I surround myself with animals, I feel better afterwards. If you have the time or the means, consider adopting a shelter pet or a rescue animal. If you cannot have a dog or a cat due to rental restrictions or long work hours, look at various other species that you can adopt that are not as high maintenance and which you could be allowed to keep in your residence. I once rescued a Betta fish and he brought a smile to my face every day. You will also feel a deep happiness in knowing you helped an animal that had no one else.
2. Seek out "your tribe." Many of my traits that were mocked or belittled by others have actually become my strengths over the years. (For example, I had a poor ability to distinguish left from right while growing up, and had many letter reversals while in early elementary school. Due to this one difficulty, I frequently called myself "stupid." Ironically, this relative 'weakness' in spatial awareness has given me an edge in the game of GO, which requires a certain level of flexibility for maneuvering and fast play without being locked into seeing shapes and growing patterns in a left and right orientation, but rather a holistic structure that best allows for capture).Once I recognized this, I became much more questioning before I allowed others to thoughtlessly criticize some aspect of my self that was, in fact, not a weakness but simply a difference. Differences can be wonderful. They give richness to our worldly experiences. As a neuroatypical individual, I do see many events differently and process information in less than conventional ways but these same issues also come with abilities that can be used to my advantage, such as my synaesthesia which I use as a memory aid and sensory hypersensitivity issues that I can use to 'alert' myself to potentially negative changes in the environment, usually far in advance of it becoming evident to others who are neurotypical.There ARE potential gifts that can be developed even in perceived limitations, if only you creatively explore what you can do with your differences or perceived limitations and refuse to see them as handicaps.Still, all the same, by reaching out to others who share mutual interests and passions you can surround yourself with potential friends who value what you value. This is important for everyone, but absolutely vital during times in which you feel intense self-loathing. Join that Jane Austen book club, or look for citizen science memberships if you are so interested in science.
3. Locate fictional or historical "inspirations" that also have many of your same behavioural traits, or physical features.If you are struggling to accept something about yourself that is neither good or bad, but simply IS, one way to help redirect your thoughts towards a healthier psychological focus is to look for those characters or persons that you admire - who also happen to share many of your same traits. At first, this can be difficult, especially when you do not see yourself through a clear lens.If you are uncertain how to proceed, asked a friend or trusted loved one to identify five positive traits that they associate with you, and then using those offerings, keep your eyes peeled for characters who you have some affection for and remind yourself of your shared characteristics.An example: One day, not long after the criticism I had received at work, I was watching an episode of "Criminal Minds" and could recall how a friend had mentioned in years past of how I had reminded her of Spencer Reid in certain respects. Before that point, I had been deeply ashamed of my tendency to 'ramble' on about trivia and statistics and self conscious of my underweight frame, but that evening - watching the show with new eyes, I realized that I shared these features in common with a character I actually really liked and admired.Even more importantly, I found the traits - as expressed by the character - rather endearing. I reminded myself that it was all too possible that someone could find these same traits endearing in *me* too, and that I simply had to find less critical people to befriend.
4. When in situations that generate increased self-loathing tendencies, try to think like a detective and record your observations in a small notebook. Try to identify the triggers that made you feel insecure or unworthy. Then work at ways of reducing or eliminating those triggers. If a person said something cruel, speak out. Let them know that you are a person - not a doormat - and that like all people you *deserve* respect and you don't have to earn it by conforming to their ''ideals'' (which might already be toxic). Also, ask yourself if you like most or even *any* of the traits of the person who is criticizing you. Generally, you might identify aspects of their being that you admire, but if there are cruel tendencies, you need to keep that in mind and not be too ready to give others a pass when you rarely give yourself one.
5. Create a gratitude list. Not just of things which you yourself are grateful for but of kindnesses that others show you. So often the negative comments take center stage in our mind and seem to blot out the kind comments of friends or even strangers. If someone tells you something that is positive as it relates to your own self, don't dismiss it. Accept it gratefully, and thank them for their kind words.
6. Mirror the behaviour of others - to an extent. Most people have a variety of pet peeves, and it is more than possible that some of your own traits could be exacerbating them or causing them to respond with greater hostility than is fair. If a person pulls back from you, pull back from them. If they seem to avoid talking to you, be reticent. Listen and observe. Often, small changes in how you act around people who seem easily irritated can change how they respond to you, in turn. Eventually, you might even find some common ground.
7. Forgive others when you feel it is healthy to do so. Not necessarily just for another's sense of peace, but for your own. Also, by not holding grudges you will be able to foster an environment that is based on sustained respect, despite previous altercations. If a person has been unfair to you, but actually feels badly for the interaction, they can come to a realization that you will engage maturely and civilly with them without retaliation. This can often put an end to negative comments and gossip.
8. Take care of your physical health. Sleep deprivation, as previously noted, is a huge bodily stressor and can negatively impact mood. Also, if you struggle with depression or a mood disorder, seek help. Depression is associated with self-loathing and self-hatred, and there are treatments that can help you feel better again.
9. Write a letter to your LITTLE self. Imagine yourself as a very small child and write a letter of all the traits and abilities that they display that are admirable or which you find likable or charming. Many times, in so doing, you will realize that so much of what you love about that LITTLE kid self is still with you, and more revealing - often times it is those quirks and eccentricities that you find so charming in a child that you often berate yourself for as an adult.For example, if I were to write a letter to my little kid self, I would include a note about how I found 'their' physical features "magical." That their face was not ugly or too thin, but charmingly elfin. These would likely never be words you'd think to associate with your adult self, and yet those same physical traits have likely continued to express themselves as an adult. You would likely never tell that little kid that their face was "ugly", even if you have called yourself that as an adult. If you have a chronic illness that you feel is holding you back, consider how you were as a child. Did you have the same health problems, even then? In many cases, you probably did. Tell that little kid that you are proud of them for getting up and trying to be happy despite being in physical pain. Tell them that they are brave for not letting their physical pain distort who they are and how they have treated others, even when they were very sick and very tired and when it would have been easy to have lashed out because they didn't feel well. Tell them that you are proud of them.
10. If you are religious, visit your temple, Church or Synagogue. If you are not religious, consider loving-kindness based meditation and then focus on turning that loving-kindness towards yourself. There is so much more I could write, and so much more that I would like to share so that others who feel alone during their most self-loathing periods could feel a little less alone and less distressed. You are not alone in sometimes feeling very badly about yourself, and you don't DESERVE to feel badly. You deserve to be happy, and I hope if you have read this you feel more receptive to treating yourself with compassion and self-love."It is only with the heart that one can see rightly; What is essential is invisible to the eye." - Antoine de Saint-Exupéry