My Roommate, Life-Mate, and Persistent Pain in My Ass

Go back in time to school, think about Sports Day—the fun, the short putt, the high jumps, the relays and then think about Tug O’ War. Life’s like that, basically. Tug O’ War. You’re that ratty knot in the middle desperately trying to hold all the tension of that rope in place while two ends mindlessly tug at you... to no real, concrete end. I mean, does anyone know why we play Tug O’ War?

Meet our first contender! Team Anxiety stands strong at one end pulling you to freak-outs, nerves, yelling at you to do better, push harder, play tougher, work longer, be stronger, feel deeper, aim higher, deliver faster until you’re left trying to drown out the screams of a panic attack you fight hard not to surrender to. At the other end of the rope, we have Depression! Team Depression powers in with the strength of an army of motivated soldiers whose sole purpose is, ironically, to demotivate you. The contenders here are as strong as Anxiety, but operate with polar opposite motives. They pull you down, bash you with every demotivating thought you’ve ever imagined, tell you that all your pushing, effort, time and energy will only leave you behind in pain, failure, rejection and exhaustion until you believe every single word and are rendered a stoic, motionless shell of the positive, (semi) confident, ambitious person you believed yourself to be (just a few hours ago, even!)

This is my experience. My account of how these teams play in my world of Tug O’ War.

Now, meet the ratty knot. It’s deceptively strong, together, and fantastically hides the tension of the rope that is sometimes being pulled at both ends, the fraying strands, and the effort that goes into holding it together. From the outside, that’s all it is—a Knot.

I have learnt to live with these teams every single day. I am learning not to hate them, to work while having to listen to one side yelling at me to do more while the other grabs my feet, refusing to let me move. I am learning to be vulnerable and feel with both sides pulling me to believe that this is not the way humans are wired while simultaneously shouting that being vulnerable is the only way one truly thrives in life. I am learning to motivate myself to successfully, consistently run and grow business while also being my harshest critic. I learnt to follow the voice of reason and achievement through two full years of my Harvard course with a part telling me it wasn’t worth it, studying for the exam wasn’t required, waking up to attend class at three AM wasn’t needed when I had to be at work by ten AM that same day.

In a way, I think this post is my attempt at coming out of hiding. This is my attempt at surrendering to this game of Tug O’ War, not by giving in, but by acknowledging the existence of both teams - and moving forward.

I’d once read an article online with a title to the effect of, “Do you have any idea how hard it is to be an ambitious, driven person with Anxiety AND Depression?” While Team Anxiety will push you to achieve the highest goals and hold yourself up to, sometimes, unreal standards, Depression pulls you down with the ever-convincing, simple pitch that the effort is just not worth a thing.

I write this calmly, happily, and pleasantly motivated after a great day. But, I also stand by this on days my anxiety won’t shut up and days I’ve been unable to get out of bed. I write this because I know how much reading other people’s accounts of this same game has helped me understand that I. AM. NOT. ALONE. So, who knows? Maybe as someone’s browsing through this strange portal of over-sharing-every-life-detail that is the internet... somehow, somewhere and in some tiny, minuscule way, reading this helps them too.

You’re not alone, friend. I’m playing this game too.