My Story

Hi. My name is Makena and here is my story summed up about my metal illnesses.

Illness #1 - Depression

I grew up with depression. I knew since I was 13 that I had depression. It’s something that I kept to myself. My parents never got along and my childhood memories of them being happy are very slim. There was no love in my household. I failed school, I was made fun of by my peers, and I struggled with my weight. I was 13 when I started self harm. I was 16 when my parents decided to divorce. I was 17 when I first thought of suicide. I told my mom and she couldn’t understand. Ten days after my 23rd birthday I got home from the bar very drunk and high on cocaine. I then grabbed my bottle of Valium and took every pill I had left. I began to feel my pulse slowly fade away. I woke up five hours later and drove myself to the hospital. I was sent to a psych ward where I was held for six days and then I went to rehab. I saw a number of counselors and was put on medication. So far it’s working. I still get little bursts of feeling really low and wondering why I’m still here. But I’m still here.

Illness #2 - Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

Here’s the one illness that I struggle to talk about. I grew up having some PTSD due to my childhood. I would get freaked out by yelling and conflict because that’s what my dad would love to do whenever he was drunk. Fine. Whatever. I could deal with that. When I was 17, my boyfriend I had raped me. We woke up one day and he was still drunk from the night before and was horny. I on the other hand was hungover and wanted to sleep. He forced himself on top of me and somehow we ended up on the floor and his hand was covering my mouth. I knew that what he did was wrong. But I didn’t do anything about it. I didn’t even consider it rape because why would my “loving” boyfriend do that to me? It wasn’t until I saw one of my many counselors who made me realize that what he did was rape. Five months later she told me I didn’t need counseling anymore. Ummm ok. I also just recently told my mom for the first time.

Fast forward five years and I’m in a long term relationship. He introduced me to methamphetamine that became my second love. I thought the drug was making our relationship better when in fact it was just destroying it. But it was already destroyed. He was a faithful alcoholic and drug addict. He kicked me out every time he was drunk and then always begged me to come home. I ended it and one month later I ran back. We relapsed together and we hid from the imaginary shadow people together. He then snapped and pulled a loaded gun out on me and threatened to kill me and then kill himself. I watched him point the barrel into his mouth and up to his head. I listened while he was telling me how it was all my fault, how nobody loves me, and how if I took one step out of the door he was going to show me what I do to people. I got out of there with ripped clothing, a mark on my neck, and a shit load of trauma. I still have flashbacks, I still have dreams, and I still suffer.

Illness #3- Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD)

This is a newer diagnosis. I was originally diagnosed as Bipolar but when I went to rehab he switched it to BPD and told me he wanted me to be sober for at least a year and then he would reevaluate. I’m still trying to understand BPD. My mom had looked it up because she doesn’t understand how I have BPD. As I learn about it more it’s starting to make more sense. I have mood swings, I’m very impulsive, I have major depression disorder, I am very reckless and destructive, I’m a hypochondriac, and I have suicidal tendencies. I’m pretty much a mess. But I’ve learned to live with it.

Illness #4 - Anxiety

Who doesn’t have anxiety nowadays?

Social anxiety, generalized anxiety, panic disorder, specific phobias, OCD.

My anxiety pretty much ties in all of my illnesses together. I’m so fearful of life, I have panic episodes. I HATE crowds and can’t stand so many people talking at once. I have paranoia, I sometimes think I’m being followed when I see a car driving behind me, and I feel way too much which also causes me anxiety. I can’t really pinpoint a specific time my anxiety started. But who can?

I am on some medication that I have found really stabilizes me.

1. Lamotrigine (Lamictal) which is my mood stabilizer
2. Sertraline (Zoloft) for depression
3. Hydroxyxine for my anxiety

Clonidine is also a great medication for anxiety.

Well, thanks for reading and if you are struggling please don’t be scared to reach out.

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