My Story

I don’t really know how to begin. I’ve had depression my whole life, but the day I felt it, really felt it, for the first time I was 13 years old. You know the feeling I’m talking about? Like everyday you’re in a haze, like you could be dreaming a sad dream. That feeling that even when you’re surrounded by people you’re alone?

The day I really felt it all for the first time was in the seventh grade. I had been at the same school since I was four years old and I grew up with the same people. There was a new girl who decided she wanted to be my “best friend.” Me, being an adopted only child, was thrilled to befriend the new girl. I always felt alone at home so my friendships always have and always will mean the world to me. This girl, let’s call her “Sady,” was good at being manipulative without people realizing what she was doing. After getting close to me, Sady turned the whole grade against me. I’d walk down the halls with my hood up on my head, walking past people calling me a slut, Shamu, a fat whale with no friends... etc.

At 13 years old, these are not easy things for a girl to hear. I would get anonymous messages online telling me to kill myself, that the world would be better without me, and all of those things no one ever deserves to hear. It broke me down to the point where I ended up self-harming for nine years. I started to believe that every bad thing that happened around me was my fault, I believed the things that people had implanted in my head at a young age, and it stuck with me through my 20s.

That is the danger of bullying and putting people down. It scars your mind and it takes a lot of hard work to even try to heal those wounds. At 21, I ended up in rehab for self-harm and I’m proud to say I’m almost three years clean from self-harm. There is hope. I know I’m not perfect, but I’ve gotten to a point where I feel more comfortable. I don’t feel the need to punish myself anymore. The reason I decided to share my story is because I know this happens to a lot of people and you should never feel alone.

I guess one piece of advice I could give would be to always check in on your loved ones, even people you don’t necessarily know. You never know how much a smile or a “how are you?” can do for someone. Don’t lose hope.