My Story of Depression

I decided to write about depression because I have depression, and by looking at me you could never tell I have depression. But before I get to that let me start with how I got this way... It all started with a happy little girl just enjoying life with her best friend whom she had known since the day she was born. Their parents were best friends so they were always together laughing and having fun; his name was Austin. Austin was her best friend in the whole world. He was the only one who truly made her happy! Austin treated her like a sister, he protected her, but he couldn't protect her from the pain in the future she was going to have to overcome by herself.

Besides Austin, she also hung out with her two boy cousins and girl cousin. One was about five years older then her and the other was a year younger then her. Her girl cousin was the youngest out of the bunch but she never failed to fit in with us. All four of them would go to their grandparents' house and play in the creek. The little girl didn't know at the time, but in the future these are the memories that are going to haunt her and destroy her.

One day her and her two boy cousins were in their grandparents' house and the oldest cousin got really comfortable with the little girl and convinced her to kiss him and he would put his hands down her pants. At the time she didn't know what she was doing; she was just a innocent little girl who didn't know what was happening. That was her cousin, she trusted him! But one day they were snow sledding and he told her to follow him to the woods, so she did. She followed him because she trusted her cousin. They went into the woods and he pushed her into the snow and held her down. She told him to stop and kept struggling, but he just told her to relax. She saw a stick and tried to reach for it as he was on top of her, but before she could reach for it, he got off of her and left. She just sat their in the snow speechless and was scared to move. She sat their for what seemed like hours and she just cried.

A couple days later, she was back at her grandparents' house with him and she was holding their cat, and he came up to her and grabbed her and the cat freaked out and scratched her whole arm. When she got home she went straight to her bedroom and her mom came in. She saw her arm and asked what happened. The girl started to burst out in tears and she told her mom everything. Her dad found out and she saw her dad leave with a shotgun. The little girl was so scared because she saw the damage she just caused.

After that and to this day she and her family still don't talk to anybody on that side of the family. The girl went on with her life and had her haters in school like every outcast does in school, but had a very few friends that loved her. Eventually she met a boy in eighth grade who threw a note at her head to ask her out. They ended up dating for three years, but like every tragic romance there were some downfalls. In their relationship they ended up breaking up five times. Every time they broke up it was worse than the last!

The first time, she tried getting involved with somebody else and it was nice... until he wanted to have sex and she rejected him. He didn't like that too much and started rumors that they did have sex and showed everybody naked photos of her; the photos were not her, he was just saying they were. School got really bad for her and rumors flew about her. When her ex heard about it, he was so pissed and he believed the rumors and not her. And she saw her ex with another girl and that just added on to everything! She went to her best friend, Austin, but he was disgusted by what she told him and ended their friendship. The girl was devastated! She lost the only friend she could tell everything to, and the only person who could make her happy.

She had lonely nights alone in her room crying over and over again. So one night, she couldn't take it anymore and started to drink her parents' alcohol and started to cut herself with a shaving razor. The girl's grades started to drop to a point where she almost failed out of school. All she cared about was going home and cutting right after school, and all her mom did was yell at her for her grades which didn't help her situation in her mind. One night the girl got really bad and her mom saw her cuts on her wrist. All her mom did was yell at her and told her to stop. Well, there are a few things you should not say to someone who is self harming, and one of them is to tell them to stop. When her mom acted like that, the girl became more emotionally closed off from everyone and it destroyed her relationships with her family. But then again, she got back together with her ex and it just wasn't the same. She was suffocated in her relationship and he started to become emotionally abusive to her. The relationship got so bad she didn't know how to leave it, and he didn't make her happy. The other four times she tried to leave him, but got bullied until she went back to him because he stopped the bullying. She didn't realize the only reason she was getting bullied was because of him. Her older sister finally helped rip off the band-aid one more time, and she broke up with him on a phone call and she wasn't alone. Her sister helped her stay strong and realized how bad it was when they were on the phone. He kept putting her down and calling her a whore until she wouldn't leave, but she wasn't stay this time. That was the very last breakup they ever had and it was right before senior year. After that he got a new girlfriend, and she and her friends harassed her all the way up to graduation. It got so bad that she would ditch class to go to the bathroom to just sit there alone. She had one good thing happen senior year and it was a new boyfriend, but he ended up emotionally abusing her, too. She gave up on being happy; every time she tried to be happy something bad would happen.

Her self harming became a habit, but it got worse! She took razors out of pencil sharpeners and cut herself to a point where she had deep scars on her thighs and shoulder. She started to burn her wrist with a lighter so bad that it would leave scars. To numb the pain of her life she took pain killers to not feel anything. She ended up going to a mental hospital where she was diagnosed with depression. Being diagnosed still didn't change anything for her. She still struggled with her emotions and self harming to this day. Honestly, I don't know how my depression started or when, but I know I have it and I have to learn to live with it everyday. Trust me, if you have a metal illness, I know it's hard, but you have to learn to accept it and figure out ways to live with it. Like I take pictures, run, and write stories on my spare time from work. You have to find ways to cope without hurting yourself. I still hurt myself, but I'm trying not to every night and I know it's hard not to, trust me. There were other people who hurt me too, but I learned to not let people in; but if you do let people in, just be very cautious who you let in. And yes, I have people who know about me... but they're people I trust with my life. And lastly, you will feel your depression every day; the way to get through it is to accept it.