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My Struggle

A Story of Tears and Blood, but Determination

By Serena FixPublished 6 years ago 7 min read
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This is something I’m so scared to write. But some of you reading may need to see this. This is why I chose to share with all of you, my readers. It’ll be an emotional roller-coaster for not just you. It’ll be one for me too. Keep in mind that I’m the one who went through all of this shit the past five or six years of my life. Yes, I am aware that there are other people who went through similar experiences that are too scared to share their story with others. But I am not too scared. This is because I like sharing my story and helping others overcome their own problems, just like I did. So read on and dive in to the story I never should have lived.

When I was ten-years-old, I was almost raped by a guy in my garage. Luckily, my friend Michael heard me screaming and broke down the door and dragged the guy off of me. To this day, it still affects me. I have trouble trusting people still to this day, and I am 18 now.

I remember a few weeks later, I lost my temper and punched Michael in the face. He went home to his mom, crying. I went inside to my room. Then my mom calls me from my room. I saw Michael's mom standing at the front door, looking very angry. She yelled at me saying I couldn't see Michael ever again.

Ever since then, I have been struggling with depression. Although, I didn't show it often. After a while, I began to feel better, and the symptoms of depression decreased significantly, but they were still somewhat there.

I started seventh grade at Boardman Glenwood Middle School a couple years later. My cousin, Kyrah, helped me make my first friends. The symptoms of depression were still there, but not as bad as it was a couple years before.

All of seventh grade went well for me. I was even in track. I was a sprinter. I would sprint in 100 meters to 200 meters. I really enjoyed myself. Seventh grade had to be the best year in my middle school years.

Eighth grade started. That's when it all started; the bullying. Then I remember it was December 12, 2012. I was sitting in class. When all of a sudden, I passed gas. And it was really loud. Everyone made a huge deal about it like they have never heard a fart before. Even the teacher joked about it. I put my head down on my desk and let a few tears escape. Then the bell rang to go to the next class. I swiftly got out of my seat and ran down the hallway to my locker. I got my things out of my locker and headed to my next class, which some of the people from the last class were in. When I walked into the room, everyone pointed and laughed at me. I put my head down on my books and cried silently to myself. That is the first time I ever felt like I wanted to die.

For a month and a half, I always wondered if anybody would miss me if I got hit by a car and died. I thought about walking out in the middle of traffic and getting hit by a car on a daily basis. I started starving myself. I wouldn't eat breakfast or lunch, but I had to eat dinner because it was with my family. I would come home, lay on my bed, cry until I fell asleep, slept for a few hours, then woken up to eat dinner, then I would go back to sleep until the next morning. My one friend at the time was a great support. Then, she told me a way that she coped with her feelings, that she would cut herself. She told me I should try it and see if it helped. So I remember one night after my mom and I came home from a doctor's appointment, our dog Ellie had tried eating a mirror because of her seperation anxiety. So I remember I was picking up the pieces, and I used a piece to cut myself intentionally. That was a huge mistake.

It started off with just a few scratches here and there every couple weeks or so. I remember getting in a relationship with a guy named Hipolito not long after the first time I had cut intentionally. I also remember being in a mental hospital a few times, and being put on my first anti-depressant, and being diagnosed with major depressive disorder and general anxiety disorder. I was kicked off the track team for having bad grades. Then I remember Hipolito broke up with me for being annoying to him. He broke up with me the day before I went to Washington DC for the weekend. It almost ruined my whole trip.

But it got worse. I would cut more often, and cut more. Then I got another boyfriend. His name was Damien. And I went three months without hurting myself. Damien was nice at first, but then he started abusing me physically and mentally. So I had started to cut again right before my first year of high school started.

This was my freshman year, I was 93 pounds at age fourteen. I was really underweight. So my doctor put me on a new anti-depressant and it made me gain weight again. But it made me not myself. So he put me on another. My mom found out about Damien abusing me so she broke us up. Then, I got in another relationship with another guy named Vince.

Sophomore year was the most awful year of high school for me. My friend that first told me about cutting turned her back on me and started spreading false rumors about me. I was being bullied severely; being pushed down, books knocked out of my hands on purpose, being called awful names, and much more. I was back-to-back in the hospital for three months; September, October, and November. Then I was okayish in December. Then I went into the hospital again in January. That time, my mom took me out of school, in hopes of starting me in online school. It didn't happen until the following autumn. So I had to retake sophomore year.

I hated the online school, so I started back in regular school a few months after I started online school. The bullying decreased but was not completely gone.

About three months later, my two year relationship with Vince, ended. About a month later, I got together with a guy named Nicholas.

I remember one day, my guidance counselor called me down to his office. He told me if I took one summer class the upcoming summer, I could get caught up and still graduate in 2017 instead of 2018. So I did. I did great in the summer class. And I did well in my senior year. It would have been a lot better if I wasn't still struggling with depression and anxiety. Yet, despite the odds, I graduated high school in June 2017.

I still struggled a lot with depression and anxiety. It didn't help that me and Nicholas broke up for three weeks towards the middle of the summer. I tried taking my life that night we broke up, and almost succeeded, but I pulled through. So I was hospitalized in a mental hospital for a week. I was then diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder.

Then after the three weeks, me and Nicholas got back together. Almost immediately afterwards, I started college at Eastern Gateway Community College. I was doing great in all my classes in college. However, I was still struggling with Depression, Anxiety, and Borderline Personality disorder.

I remember towards the end of my first semester in college, I was hospitalized again. That time, I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder. So they put me on a mood stabilizer.

I was hospitalized another time after that last time. And I've been staying out of the hospital since then. I still struggle quite a bit more than I would like. But I'm working on it. Despite my odds, I am making it in life. However, I do not have a job yet. I do not know how to drive yet, but I'm working on it. I started my second semester in college in January, and doing great so far. I plan on becoming an English teacher for grades seven thru twelve, so I am taking classes to prepare me for my career path. Nicholas and I are still together, soon to be together for two years now. We plan on getting married and having children.

There is a reason to believe I can do it. So I do believe I can do it. There is a reason to go on. So I do go on. I struggled so much the past five to six years, but I made it this far. So what is stopping me from going farther? Nothing. I've been doing good lately. I know self-hatred well. I've been fighting it for so long, but I am not better yet. But I do believe I will get there.

coping
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About the Creator

Serena Fix

Hello! I've been writing ever since I learned how to. I enjoy it a lot, and thought I would give this a try.

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