My Word

The English language is made up of various other languages and cultures to make up the words we use on a every day basis. There is a word for almost everything you feel, hear, taste, and see. For example, there's a word for the sound the wind makes as it passes through the trees: "psithurism." This word is taken from the Ancient Greek word "psithurismos" meaning "I whisper." The feeling of pleasure and contentment can be defined as happiness, in which the root word "hap" can be taken from the Old French root word "heur" and the German word "Gluck," both meaning good fortune and happiness. The list of words goes on and on, but there is one word, one definition, that I have yet to find—my word.

My word has to be out there somewhere. There's a word for the obsession with words, for goodness sake. I can't tell you what my word exactly means, but I can describe how it feels.

This word, this feeling, feels like you're suffocating—no, more like you're drowning. Its like you can't breathe because every time you try to take a breath, this liquid that burns like fire fills every inch of your chest and lungs and it ignites a flame inside, turning your insides to ash. You will decide that maybe next time you feel the need to catch your breath, you won't even try, because the pain that makes suffocation seem like a walk in the park, is just not worth the effort. While all this is happening, while you're drowning in a sea of acid, you're standing, dry as a bone, in a middle of an open field breathing fine. You'll scream for help, but the sea that exists only to you will muffle your cries and will set you on fire again. You drown in the acid until the ignorant finally hear your pleas for death and ask you why you scream with every breath you take.

This feeling gets a sense of accomplishment when you open your eyes in the morning. You won't even take a shower because who are you trying to impress? Showering will make you an overachiever and this word only requires the minimum. You'll also be too tired from breathing. Breathing will make you so tired you will just lay on your bed all day staring at the wall with your eyes wide open because you'll be too tired to sleep, and why would you want to add to your exhaustion by showering?

Living with this word is like living in slow motion while the rest of the world is moving in hyper speed. Imagine watching a flower bloom right in front of your eyes, but the second you blink, it's started to wilt, you blink one more time and it's dead and falling apart. You will feel the need to fill the sickening cavity inside your chest time leaves you with with anything you could possibly think of. The only way you could think of filling it is with answers, answers that will help you figure out time's secret so you can catch up. You will look at the bottom of vodka bottles, you will look in people you don't know or even like, you will look in the smoke that gives the illusion of time stopping, but that's just what it is—an illusion. The only time when it seems that you have finally caught up with the clock is when you feel the sweet sting of a razor that makes red ink emerge from your skin, singing "Hallelujah," because you finally gave it an escape it's been looking for, or when you're standing on a ledge so up high you can hear an angel's hymn, or maybe it's the voices in your head that aren't obstructed by the sound of time zooming by. During this time is when time itself will leave you be, but just for a moment, because once you're caught up, you'll be too far ahead.

Now, people have told me what my word is. They have said it was depression, anxiety, hopelessness, despair, or maybe even melancholy—all coming from Old French, Middle English and German, Latin, Greek, so on and so forth, but those words are not mine. I refuse to let those words define me. I am much more than those words. Perhaps I'm thinking too highly of myself, but my word is so much more complex than those words, yet incredibly more simple. My word has origins of Latin, Greek, Old English, and everything else all bundled into one, because my word is big, far too big for just one prefix, far too big for just one root, and the suffix has to sound just right. I have yet to find my word, so right now it's just "me." Can someone help me find more to me?