Navigating High School with Schizoaffective Disorder

It started in February of 2015, during the second semester of my freshman year in high school. That was the month that my brain turned against me, where I could no longer diffuse between reality and illusion, where I believed things that were not possible, and unknown voices visited me at night. It all got worse from there.

I remember sitting in my second-period biology class on a chilly Wednesday morning, the sun had not risen yet. I was sitting at my desk, completely frozen. Confusion swallowed my brain and I disconnected from reality without realizing what was happening. Suddenly, I believed I was inside of a video game. I looked around at my classmates, wondering who my enemies were and who my teammates were. I began wondering where their username tags were, as they were normally above players' heads, yet I did not see them. I forgot who I was, where I was, or what was happening. All I could focus on was this video game I was now inside. This started happening almost daily.

I remember reading The Great Gatsby in English class. My English teacher called upon me to begin reading the next few pages to the class. I start reading normally, correctly saying all of the words on the page. Then, my brain starts jumbling the words. The words written on the pages turn into different words as my brain hallucinates a whole different story right before my eyes. The paragraphs change from The Great Gatsby into a threat, a threat that would make my paranoia skyrocket. I read the words I see to the class, believing they are really on the page. "Then the people come, they come, they're coming, they're coming to get you, they're coming to kill you, kill you, killing you..." My classmates all stare at me in confusion as I'm reading these words; some having looks of worry on their faces. My teacher stops me—she later talks to me after class. I explain how I really did see those words on my page. "Maybe it was just a printing error," I say, but in my head, I think that it's a threat specifically aimed at me.

As the disorder progressed, my daily functioning was more and more inhibited. I began disregarding my hygiene, I would lose sleep so I could talk to the voices in my head, I ignored school work and got lost in my world of delusions, my temper grew, and I stop caring about my relationships. I would show up to school in sweatpants and a pajama T-shirt, sitting in class without the motivation to do school work. My grades went from honor roll level to C's and F's. But I didn't care. I was too involved in my mental illness to care. Friends and family noticed my dramatic change in behavior, but I refused to listen when they offered help. In my perspective, I was completely fine, but in reality, I was slipping.

Once a girl who was considered popular in her school was turned into an outcast. No one likes being around people who talk to themselves, who compulsively pace the school halls for hours, who forget where they are and begin asking odd questions. My friends stopped talking to me. My family began to dislike spending time around me. I grew angry, sad, and confused with the world. I fell into a depression.

The only time I would find happiness was in my improvisation class. Growing up I loved acting and drama, so improvisation was my favorite class by far. I began to crush on a boy in my class. Being too scared to approach him, I tried speaking to him other ways. My brain told me that I had the power to put thoughts into others' heads, so I tried putting thoughts into my crush's head. I would tell him how we'd be a perfect match, how I enjoy the same activities that he enjoys, how I love him so. But, once improvisation season came to an end and drama season started, he was no longer in my class. My power transformed from a gift into a curse. My belief that I could put thoughts into other's heads enveloped me. I was constantly telling my brain to stop controlling the thoughts of others. I became fearful that other people were putting thoughts into my brain, so I would hit myself in the head each night to try and get rid of these people in my brain. I feared that others would find out about my power and I would be shunned by society. In a mere matter of months, my whole life had turned into a living nightmare. I was no longer doing normal 14-year-old activities, I was now fearing for my life.

As the months went on, my condition did not improve. I barely passed my freshman year, finishing it off with a 2.1 GPA. I had yet to seek help, and I no longer had anyone to speak to.

This continued on until my junior year, which is when the hallucinations became unbearable. I would see figures that were not there; spiders would crawl on my skin, I would feel someone inappropriately touching me but I could not see anyone doing it, voices in my head would tell me to kill myself on a daily basis. Finally, I broke down in front of my parents. I began seeing psychologists and psychiatrists almost three times a week. I tried almost every antipsychotic medication there is, along with hours of neuropsychological testing.

After months of visiting multiple doctors, I was diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder, bipolar I type; meaning I have bipolar I disorder and schizophrenia. I finally found a medication that works best for me, I regained my friends and got support from my family, and I improved greatly. I worked very hard for the remainder of high school, scored well on the SAT, brought my GPA up to an honors level, and was accepted to every college I applied for. I am now about to attend a nationally ranked school, majoring in psychology and pre-med. While high school was a challenge, especially while dealing with an undiagnosed severe mental illness, I am glad I was inflicted with this illness. Without it, I would not have discovered my love of psychology. I would not be as open-minded to others with mental illnesses as I was before. I would not be on my way to becoming a psychiatrist like I am now. I am ready to begin my journey into adulthood without letting my schizoaffective disorder get in the way.