Nightmares

They keep me up. They keep me afraid of what I don’t know lurks in the dark. They pull at my thoughts daily and then at night, terrorize me. Most nights I wake up terrified and not knowing why. Others, I wake myself up sobbing and reaching out for arms to comfort me. The nights that leave me depressed the next day but not knowing what's the matter have become a normality in my life.

Sometimes our fears get the better of us. They paralyze us. Keep us from performing daily tasks, or from pursuing our goals. Others just cling to our backs like a small kid-sized bag pack that changes in weight often.

I can’t figure out what it is that is haunting me. Be it my fear of losing people I love, or the fear of the unknown that drives me absolutely crazy, its wearing me down. I carry it on my shoulders and let it whisper thoughts in my ear when my anxiety hits its peak. Which for me, is too occasional for my liking.

I need it to stop. Obviously, facing my fears would help, if I knew exactly what it was that I was afraid of. Or at the very least, what was causing me to be so afraid. My past, my life, my future, my losses are hovering over me like a giant rain cloud that can’t decide whether to move on or to throw a bit of lightning into the mix. I can feel the rain coming. I can smell it in the air. Yet, I can see the end of the rain cloud in the distant sky and it seems like the storm is moving away.

I’ll embrace my time before the next storm. The calm. The ease before the bow breaks. I’ll build my strength before the next wave. The next night that will clinch me tightly in its grips and test my mental stability. One day I will beat this. I’ll evolve into one of the many creatures who isn't phased by the dark. The terrors that dwell like the stench of stale food in the pantry will leave me alone to breathe fresh crisp air. I'll be able to go about my day without doubts, without the anxiety creeping up my spine.

Until that day, I will struggle. I will quiver in fear in the mornings when I can't tell what is real. My confusion and my disorientation will be my comfort. I will let it wrap its icy blanket around it me, consuming me so that I remember the terrors of the dark. I will remember every horrible image that slipped its way into my dreams and every possible heartbreak that left me aching. I will recall every emotion and every doubt that creeps its way into my every day life. The ones that take over my thoughts while I function and get in the way of everything positive.

The obstacles will cross my path will be a test on my stability. I can feel the timer running out during these nightmares and I can never tell if it will be the end of the horror, or the arrival of something much worse. Like putting your faith in something unseen, or trusting a stranger, you just never know what will happen. They can soon be the end of me. I will push forward, though. I will not back down without a fight. I won't let it take me while I set back in fear and cowardice. I will smile through my days, wipe away the tear that fall in the dark, and push back the anxiety it brings me in the light. At least, until it consumes me.

Just understand, if they take me, they take my memories. they will have to take the emotions I have mustered up and kept locked away. They will swallow my pain, my fear and my disgust with myself and I hope they choke on it. That's the anger I hold. Let it take me, because there will be pain. Currently the nightmares are outsmarting me, though. They consume just enough of me, that I still have to carry the weight. Like a children's ghost costume, I am completely sheathed but my eyes are raw, naked and all-seeing.

They can't rule me.

Can they?

They won't envelop me.

Will they?