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"No." Is a Complete Sentence

Are you a people pleaser? Or, do you know someone who is? Do you have an understanding of what is causing the behaviour, and know the true cost of it?

By Sonica MPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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People pleasing is not just doing someone a favour, or being kind. It's someone who doesn't know how to say NO. People pleasers act out of a place of pain, which can cause them their happiness, health, close relationships, and their right to self-expression. Because they fail to set good boundaries, they have their own preferences or desires suppressed. They also have their own feelings suppressed.

People pleasers often come out of homes where their families were unstable (anger outbursts, addicts, parents who were divorced or constantly threatened to divorce), or rejecting (hypercritical, demanding or punitive). Love and acceptance in their families were based on conditional acceptance.

Or perhaps the families were undermining the child's confidence or were overprotective, failing to reinforce the child for performing competently outside of the family unit.

Children learn to be people pleasers believing that other people in the world are the same as their families, and they deeply seek approval, acceptance, or love, while masking their fear of being rejected or abandoned.

Another cost of people pleasing is feeling used, or not feeling fulfilled in a relationship.

In adult life, people who fear abandonment often choose partners who cannot make a commitment, and they remain in the relationship hoping they can convince the person to stay, although they ultimately know the other person will walk out. This might not make sense to other people, but the person involved does not make this decision consciously, and they often wonder why they keep being abandoned in relationships. Changing one's coping style (the way you react to your fear of abandonment) would be useful. Other ways in which someone can deal with a fear of abandonment that would not be useful and cost them personally, are to avoid relationships altogether, suppressing fears through drinking excessively, or smothering partners to the point of pushing them away.

People pleasers can also be a symptom of being abused. The victim may feel that they have caused the abuse by being 'bad', and in an attempt to cover up feelings of shame, and prove to themselves or others that they are not 'bad', they become people pleasers. In an attempt to avoid further abuse, the victim can actually be more vulnerable to further abuse.

People who feel incompetent can end up in co-dependent relationships where they are dependent on their partners. In an attempt to please the partner, one can allow the partner to make all the decisions in the relationship. This places the decision-making partner in a parent role, and places the other partner in a role of subjugation or dependency, which reinforces their feelings of incompetence. The cost of people pleasing here could be autonomy, accountability, responsibility, independence, and/or competence.

People pleasing can be a way of acting out feelings that one needs to sacrifice oneself by giving a lot to others and asking nothing in return, or approval seeking when one acts to impress others. This usually comes from a wound inflicted during childhood.

Children who grew up with critical parents, may have internalised a critical voice and feel critical towards themselves or others. In an attempt to cover up their shame about these feelings, they too can become people pleasers. This is done not to seek love or approval for others, nor out of fear, but it is done in an attempt to cover up feelings of shame.

For partners of people pleasers, it might be worth exploring the wound within with them. People with abandonment fears have very deep wounds, and it is important to remember to be patient, kind, and gentle with them, otherwise the wound might get deeper. It might also be useful to explore if one's own behaviour is perpetuating the problem.

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About the Creator

Sonica M

Hi, I am a qualified Counsellor, mother, writer and author. I write about parenting, relationships, psychology and other things I find interesting.

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