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Mental health has become a hot-button topic for most people in today's society. I see posts from my friends almost on a daily basis saying that they're so depressed that they can't sleep at night; that their thoughts keep them awake and affects their days and it continues in a vicious cycle. Only recently have I stopped denying that I, too, suffer with this.
I've doubted myself for years; convinced that I'm just overdramatizing my everyday woes and making multiple mountains out of a small molehill. It wasn't until this past summer that I was finally shaken from my false reality that everything in the world was ok. I took a hard look at what I had been feeling and thinking over the past few months and I began to notice a disturbing trend. My thoughts were growing increasingly darker as the weeks drew on. Daydreams while I was driving to work of my car wrapped around a pole or crashed into oncoming traffic, just to see what would happen. The constant thought that the world would be better off if I weren't around to bother anyone with my problems...
Admitting the Cold, Hard Truth
I kept all of this hidden until one day I just couldn't do it anymore. I didn't want to go to work anymore because I was afraid that I might actually do something to hurt myself. It was like I had become Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde; one side of me telling myself that I was worthless and that I'd be better off dead and the other side of me begging to live. Begging the othe half to let us have one more day to prove that we were worth something. One afternoon, as I was supposed to be getting ready for work, I finally broke down and admitted to my mom what had been running through my head, and that I was scared. We both cried together and she told me the thing that I needed to hear most: "You are not alone."
She had been through the same thought process many years before and she ultimately let me know that I wasn't crazy. Since then, I've sought out help in different ways. I utilize the healing effects of aromatherapy (lavender oil and my car diffuser are a true blessing) and I go to a Stephen Minister from my church for faith-based talking sessions.
Help comes in the most unexpected forms.
Don't let this fool you though, I still struggle every single day to keep my head above water. Some days I feel ok and I can get through without a problem, but sometimes I feel like I'm drowning with no help to be found. On days like those, I've found that writing is a tremendous help. I write out exactly what I'm feeling. Whether it's an isolated incident or it's been a constant thought all day that needs to be seen on paper to be addressed, I write.
This a snippet of one of my writing sessions. I hope that it helps someone else as much as it did me.
"It's not like I'm not trying here! I feel like the harder I try to do something, anything right, I fuck it up even worse and I don't know what to do. Some days I feel like the world would be a better place if I weren't here. My family, friends, co-workers, and bosses wouldn't have to deal with my screw ups anymore. They wouldn't have to deal with me being so depressed that I can barely function. They wouldn't have to listen to me bitch about every little thing that goes wrong when I have so much to be thankful for. Well, I don't feel thankful for much lately. That feeling is overshadowed by a sense of drowning in every mistake that I make every single day. I keep fighting but some days I think about letting the waves take me under. Maybe then I might find some peace."
Take the first step...
If you or a loved one are having suicidal thoughts, these resources are here to help:
National Suicide Prevention Lifeline: 1 (800) 273 - TALK (8255)
Crisis Text Line: Text 'Hello' to 741741
I have utilized both of these resources in the past and they are truly helpful. You will speak with people who are trained to help when you are facing this type of crisis and they will stick with you until you feel ok again.
Thank you so much for reading this. I truly hope that it helps someone out.