OCD

Today is not a good day. Pretty much everyday is not a good day but today is one of those days where it just hits you and you break down. I struggle everyday with OCD, anxiety, fear, and stress, but at the same time also feel happiness, excitement, love... It's a constant tug of war in my head. Most days I just live with it because I have become so used to it but then there are other days when I just hide and avoid and I want to cry all day but I can't. I'm a mom and when you're a mom you can't hide, you can't avoid, and you can't cry all day.

Today is one of those days where my mind is just exhausted, fed-up, and angry. I want to scream but I don't want anybody to hear me, I want to cry but I don't want anyone to see me. I don't want anyone to know. I don't want to do anything today. I just want to lay down, watch TV, and not think. I don't want to obsess over my phobia, I don't want to obsess over contamination, I don't want to obsess over what people think of me. My mind needs a break or else I'm going to break!

I always try to look like I'm okay. I put up a front, like I have everything under control, like I'm doing good but I'm not. When people look at me they don't see the intrusive thoughts in my head. They don't see the fear in my stomach. They don't see the rituals that I do because I've gotten good at hiding them. They do see me avoiding things, people, social gatherings, and they think that I'm being rude or mean but in reality I'm avoiding because I'm scared, because my mind is telling me something bad will happen. I make up excuses because the truth is hard to for them to understand. When they hear that I'm afraid of contamination they say "just wash your hands," "nothing will happen," "get over it," or "let it go". They're right, nothing will happen, but for an OCD mind the worst will happen and we know how irrational these thoughts are but it's just not controllable.

It's a daily struggle in our minds. It never goes away. You learn to live with it and hide your rituals but you also want to let everyone know how horrible you feel. I didn't choose this but I have it and I know with therapy it can get better but even therapy scares me because it means I will have to face my fears and that terrifies me.

On the "good" days, the days where I feel happy and energized, the thoughts are still there, the rituals are still there, and the fears are still there too, but I am able to function. I can get non-ritual things done too but I'm always on alert.

I yearn for the day when I can wake up and not do my checks, go out to the store and not decontaminate my hands every five minutes, where I can hang out with others and not be on the edge over if they touched something that was contaminated, just be around others and not have my phobia on my mind. I know it can be possible. I want to believe someday I will be free of this torturing disorder. At the same time, I have to admit that this disorder has taught me a lot too. It has taught me to be compassionate of others, to not demand from others what they can't handle. It has heightened my sense of empathy... so I guess it hasn't all been bad and I can appreciate that, but now it's time to kiss it goodbye and shut that darn door on OCD.