On Being 17

I have a hard time with a lot of things. Depression, anxiety, school, friends, getting a job, being a decent human being. But one of the most difficult is being alive. Sure I'm happy to be here and all, but I didn't ask for this. Living is hard and pretending I'm alright even though I'm not is hard. These days I have little faith in myself. How could I? At the age of 16, I have gone through what I think is more than my fair share of pain and agony. So many times I see teens my age doing great things. They're changing the world because they want to and choose to, so they do. Then there's me. I'm not sure what my place is or where I'm trying to go. At this point, I'm just existing but not living. For years people have told me that I will do great things and that I'm smart, and if only I tried I could change the world. Now I feel this great pressure to be great. To be better than others. But part of me doesn't want to be. I just want to blend in and live, I don't want to stand out. There are these stupid quotes that say, "Why blend in when you were born to stand out?" But my thing is if everyone is standing out, doesn't that make us all blend in together? Recently I've been thinking about moving away to Canada and starting a new life. Just so that way I can be forgotten. If I live there no one will know me or tell me I'm great or encourage me, I can just be left alone like I want to be. But I know I can't hide from my problems. Not now, not ever. I just don't get why it has to be me. These days I have a lot of time to think. Mostly about life and how it works. Also about things I like and want to do with my life. I want to help others. That's all I know so far. So not much but it's still something. Also, I watched a video recently about Earth and galaxies, and how small we are and it was comforting knowing that I'm little and almost unimportant. I also like knowing that there's a chance that me in another universe is making better decisions than Earth me now. Also, if the idea of other universes is true then that means there's a me who knows what she wants with life or one where I change her world just by being me/her. So I guess that's good news but then again they're not me (even though it is me, just not Earth me) and their good life doesn't help my poor one now. Maybe I need to hone the powers of the other me's and figure this mess out. But until then I need a plan or at least an idea of where I'm going. IDK at this point, I don't even know who I'm writing for. Sure I love writing but even I get bored of listening to my sad story and life. Even I wouldn't read what I write and that's sadder than everything else I've written today. My passion for most things is going away, maybe it's the depression, or maybe it's just me but things are getting harder to control. BUT then there's that part of me that knows that I have the Lord on my side and I don't need to worry because he/she/it has it under control. But it sure doesn't feel like it sometimes. I just don't want to feel like I'm going through this alone. I don't want my life to end before it even begins. What good would that do, then I would be a waste (or should I say more of a waste). I need to pray and trust the process and God, but it's hard to let go of the power over my life. I need trust and faith, and to read the bible more, and a lot of other things but they're second to God. IDK, at this point I'm just spilling out my thoughts on "paper," maybe someone might read this maybe not. That's ok if you or they don't. But these are the everyday thoughts of a 16-year-old trying not to go crazy.