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It's amazing how one kiss can change your life, for better or for worse. Kissing is supposed to be healthy and improve a number of different things for you; that intimacy. Intimacy is something that I fear, not because it means that I get close to the individual, but because they get close to me. Once close, you can manipulate, lie, deceive, and fake feelings.
I don't know how to fake feelings. If someone wants to hangout and I don't like them, I can't force myself to hangout with them. Same with work, at my old job if I didn't like someone, I just wouldn't communicate or associate with them unless absolutely necessary. So for romantic relationships, my very attention is a compliment. The fear of intimacy is something that I think developed when I was a kid. My father was very sick and constantly was throwing up. I took care of him and he still treated me like I wasn't worth anything to him.
If your own creators don't love you, who would? No one. So I've learned to trust no one and let no one close because then no one can hurt you. It's always the knife that people hide and try and sneak that no one suspects. The knife that waits, the knife that remains sheathed until the moment to strike. Anticipating attacks like that; waiting, constantly feeling on edge, welcome to my life. Everyone is an enemy, everyone is going to betray you. That's my mindset.
I don't know if I'll ever change anymore. I feel like I'm forever stuck in this state of distrust and isolation. No one reaches out to me, no one cares. If they did, they'd reach out, simple as that. If I'm that important to them, they'll make an effort. I guess I'm not. I don't mind feeling unimportant, because then it means I have nothing to lose. Feeling important is often the quickest way to get pulled down.
One kiss would be all that it would take to restore me. Doing so is intimate, and meaningful. I fear it would also be the downfall of the other guy though. A kiss to strengthen, a kiss to bond, and a kiss to fall in love. Feelings are difficult to process. One kiss to bind, one kiss to drain, and one kiss to consume. I've only made out with a handful of guys. Next one that I make out with (if that happens at all) I know that I will lose myself completely into them.
That passion is a sensation that I long for. Feeling that again would restore me to my more open mindset. Losing yourself in that passion is something that can't be described. However, kissing also leads to emotions.
What are the purpose of emotions? To help guide us? To help shape us? Personally, I think emotions are bullshit. Making you feel things and causes you to change everything about yourself. Suddenly you find yourself not being able to control how you respond to certain phrases, or crying randomly for no apparent reason.
Emotions creep into your dreams and effect everything. One day you may be having a lovely dream about hanging out with one of your favorite people and the next you could find yourself having to jolt yourself awake because you're having another night terror. Just some examples.
Emotions are darkness and light mixing together, trying to help us seem more human. Emotions are overrated. There is nothing in the world but hatred and darkness. Darkness will consume all of us as it is meant to. Every light must be snuffed out because that is the world that we live in.
Destruction and chaos is all around us. Darkness is eternal. Emotions help us cope with loss, and death. Death is the only goal and death is the only salvation. There is no peace. There is no good. There is no evil. There is only darkness. Emotions are meaningless without drive. Emotions mean nothing if you cannot express how you feel to that person.
My emotions are always invalid and so I chose to not feel at all. I feel like I'm suffocating anytime that I even try to feel anything at all because everything just breaks like a dam trying to hold back too much water. I'm weak and I break. But instead of getting back up, I stay on the ground and let darkness and the void consume me.
I become hollow and unfeeling. Nothing in my life will change. Nothing will ever happen. Nothing will ever change. Everything is the same. I am dead. I am death. Time is the only thing that seems real. Time feels interrupted and going backwards and forward. Perhaps that's why it feels real, because it doesn't make any sense.
Emotions only make sense if you're able to express them or figure out the source of your emotions. All I feel is anger, hatred, self-loathing and I just want to scream. But I can't because it doesn't do anyone any good. Nothing changes. So I dance and sing because at least I feel better doing it. Now, I don't feel happy when I do it.
With writing, nothing is coming to me. Everything is confusing, everyone mocks and laughs and I'm sick of it. I chose to end it and halt because I'm sick of the never ending mocking. I am scorched earth. My voice, my body, my hands. Everything in me. I chose to burn because it feels like no one believes in me, that is the only way I can scream. Stuck on an infinite loop, like a ghost.
Then I shall become exactly that. A ghost, reliving the same day over and over again. I'm in hell with no one coming to get me or save me. At least I don't have to feel anything.
One kiss would be all that it would take to change me. Until then, I shall remain asleep.