One Year

One year ago today, I weighed 120 kilos give or take, hated myself and decided that I was no longer worthy of even being alive.

I had a long-standing hatred for my looks and a frustrating list of (un)accomplishments. Was isolated from friends and family. I was ruled and controlled by my demons.

And so one year ago. I decided to end it all. One year ago I slashed my wrists and tied a belt around my neck as tight as I possibly could. For a single fraction of a second, I felt relief, but as I got ready to close my eyes, one last time, for the last time... I caught a glimpse of a picture, a picture of the person I most love and adore in the world, someone I would venture to hell and back to protect from all harm: my sister.

It was a school photo, you know the kind, light background, big happy smile, pristine clean uniform. For all that mattered to me at that moment, she was like an angel. And within that picture was the remnant of hope, was the spark that almost brought me back to life. As I said, I would venture to hell and back for her, I would endure all possible physical and psychological pain to save her from any harm. And I at that moment realised that my actions would cause her immense pain. I know what is like to lose someone, I know that pain... I don't want her to feel that, well, until destiny takes someone she loves... But that should only happen as a natural occurrence. Not as a caused event.

And in what I believe to be one of the last seconds possible before actual permanent harm could come... I managed to remove the belt, and bandaged my left wrist as best I could. I was livid... Furious at myself, both feeling alive but as a coward that couldn't even kill himself. So I did what I always do when I felt like that and proceeded to self-harm myself further.

I was an empty husk, I was lost. But I did all I could to stand up. And honestly, it was hell. Although I had the support of many, there was close to no one that I could confess to as I was ashamed. But nonetheless, I moved on, lonely but never alone. And those that helped me were crucial in this process. And to you guys, I'm eternally grateful.

But life went on. And today I stand taller, slimmer, stronger and prouder than ever before. And I've been rewarded by life (you can call it God, faith, karma, or whatever) with a new chance. A chance to move to Scotland and start living. And that was clear when I visited the country a few weeks ago. It was like in a TV drama when the doctor used the defibrillator to make a heartbeat again. Scotland was my defibrillator. And for the first time in over a decade, I can imagine a future. Something that I couldn't do, no matter how many what if scenarios I made... I couldn't even imagine a future further than next month. Now I dream of it and I'm running towards it.

Finally, before I conclude this text, I want to explain it a bit. First of all none of this is fiction, second of all I'm not writing to get praise nor a pat on the back. I'm writing this to show to those that feel if only one percent of what I felt that night and in the past decade, to shew them that THERE IS ALWAYS HOPE! THERE ARE ALWAYS REASONS TO FIGHT! And that even if your life has been a long sleepless night, you can be sure that there will be a morning, and there will be a sun shining. And I ask, beg and plea... Please endure that darkness, please resist, please fight it! It took me almost a year to find that light, even after years of struggle. It took me facing most of my demons in the eyes and fighting with all the energy I did not have. It took all of me to get a glimpse of light. But I got there. And if I can, so can you. And if you don't believe in yourself... I DO!