Paranoia

The screams get louder inside her head. She doesn't understand where this is coming from. Her heart is palpitating, fingertips grow ice cold, her mind goes into fight or flight mode. She is in danger. She feels as if her life is being threatened.

"You're being paranoid," I tell myself. It's a sunny day, the wind is blowing softly. I walk to my car from Target. Still, as I try to calm myself down, I hurry up and grab my car key in my hand. I should've had it in my hand the moment I stepped outside the doors. How I wish I had a newer car, with a mechanism that would open the doors with a push of a button. But that thought slowly gets pushed by another fear. That if I did, what if someone got in my car before me?

For all I have known my entire life, I have been cursed with anxiety. Anxiety is a unique disorder, changing all the time. I do believe I have almost experienced it all. Every year, a new problem starts with this disorder, proposing me with a new challenge to slay and conquer. Although there are things I am much better at than I used to be with my anxiety, I still haven't got the hang of it completely. I believe that with all difficulties in the daily human life, we all can't quite let our demons go.

Growing up, I had always been a little shy, yet outgoing. I was never black, or white, but always in this grey area that never made sense to me. I was terrified of my grandparents whenever holidays came around. Raising my hand in class to this day is like a play rehearsal. I would go over and over in my head what I was going to say. Knowing there would be eyes on me, as it was my volunteered turn to speak. I always hated that—I'd get light headed and I would start to play with something or speak quietly. But also while my heart was pounding with fear it was pounding with excitement. I knew all eyes were going to be on me. And I liked that. That all eyes were on me. I had something intelligent to say. The confidence and lack of confidence I have inside me have been battling to win for over 18 years.

When high school started, my social anxiety really came into play. I hated talking to anyone who didn't reflect what I was comfortable with, and it was difficult to make friends. But if I was WITH my friends, then it became more comfortable to talk, and I was way more confident. They were my support for everything, but even with them in the room, I still refused to get up and go to the bathroom even if I really needed to go. I refused to get up and throw something away in front of people. For some reason, I had thought daily little things were terrifying, and that I was the star of the show and the whole class was going to watch. I was always a shy girl since elementary. I was the same because raising my hand was still difficult, and the popular kids made me feel small because I wasn't like them. I was eccentric and loud, but also quiet. Which still to this day brings much amusement and confusion. I remember having field day, where we would get a rainbow parachute and put it over our heads and played sharks and minnows. I started yelling and talking so loud during instruction that I had to sit out for the rest of the day. I have become much more confident, thinking that life doesn't have to be a world where you walk on eggshells all the time, but there are parts of me that hold on to those fears. In certain situations, these things still occur.

Next, I had separation anxiety. Something I also had since I was little. I had a friend I would go to every weekend and spend the night at her house. But sometimes, when it became night and it was time for us to get ready for bed, the butterflies would start, the drop in my stomach would occur, and my mouth would go dry. I missed home, even though my house was just three minutes away. After one of my major surgeries to finally fix my childhood health problems, I became so anxious that if I slept over at my cousin's house, whom I used to sleep over all the time, I would go into a full-blown panic attack. I would shake. I would cry. I became a master of sneaking the phone to call my mom to pick me up at 3 AM. Or so I thought. I was always caught. I had lost friends from these issues because my friends thought I didn't like them, which was further from the truth than I could explain at nine years old. I didn't understand the complexity of what was really going on.

I also had extreme paranoia. I used to sleep with my mother till I was ten years old. I used to think that bad ghosts (or something of the sort) would come to get me if I didn't put my blankets over my head to sleep. I slept like that for probably 5-6 years of my life, my entire covers over my head. I would put them over my head, then tightly make a small hole for my nose and mouth. Sometimes if I was feeling extra scared that night, I would wrap the blankets around my mouth tighter. The blankets had to be pressed against my skin. Nothing was allowed in. It didn't matter if it was 60 degrees on a hot summer night. I would sweat under those covers because I had solely convinced myself I'd be hurt if I didn't have their protection. My step-dad then came into the picture, and I slept in my brother and my new step-brother's beds. To this day, I am still afraid of the dark, and I shut my closet door so I can't see inside. I'll never forget the time my mom had told me that I could make toilet paper scary to me. I tried for my own entertainment, but it surprisingly didn't work. Scary movies were a no for me for a long time. My over-active imagination just couldn't handle it.

While I have become so much better in all of these circumstances, I am still not perfect. I have struggled with paranoia for as long as I have been alive. I am perfectly fine with being seen as a child when I am an adult. There are just things that some other people cannot understand. Nobody knows my perspective but me. Nobody has lived through these moments of fear but me. It's just a part of who I am. A fault I have to live with. The person who judges is a person who doesn't understand doesn't sympathize. I am learning every single day to be more patient, act in love and peace. There is nothing more comforting knowing that love is the truth. I will take these things and continue to learn and grow. I will take these things and conquer them, one fear at a time. This is who I am. I do not embrace these faults proudly, but I do with a determined heart. To learn from myself, to face them, and to change. One over-active thought at a time.