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Pleasing

Where does it end?

By Joy ErgangPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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I have come to the realization that I have been an anchor point for so many people lately, that I haven't been an anchor point for myself. Why did I come to that realization? Because I am beginning to realize that I haven't been taking care of myself the way I wanted or should have been.

For some reason, I have always been a “people pleaser” except for when it came to me. I have a lot of things that make me happy, yet the happiness of others, despite the costs to me, were always more important than my happiness. As I put others before myself, it was impacting my health more than I was noticing.

Over the years I was exhibiting signs of anxiety and depression while I was in high school, and it continued to go on undiagnosed until I was in my mid-twenties. Went through different kinds of medication over the years to find the ones that work best for me. Even though that some of the medication escalated the anxiety and depression symptoms to the point of suicide, I was being a victim of mental and emotional abuse to the point that I was fearing it would escalate to the point of physical abuse, at the hands of people that no one should be fearing, my own mother and younger brother. Those two did more damage to me mentally and emotionally, that they even encouraged me to commit suicide. The last straw for me being in my mother and brother's presence is when my brother, who is 6 years younger than me, yet larger in size than myself, physically attacked me. Yet I was the one to blame for the attack, because I am the oldest and I should know better than being somewhere where nobody wanted me. At that time, it was the only place to lay my head at night. That incident with my brother made me look for safety at a local respected organization that helped me get out of the toxic environment.

To this day, I still struggle with pleasing people. It has caused me to make mistakes that I regret, and I am not perfect. It is time for me to start pleasing myself.

Being afraid to ask for help when it is truly needed is not a way to live. I was taught to think that asking for help makes a person weak, and that is not true at all. There is so much help available out there that a person can get. I realize there is so much stigma attached to the places that provide help, and the only thing that is not worth losing is your life because you didn't get the help. I am in somewhat of a safer place now because I asked for help when I needed it. I am no longer in a toxic environment because of the help and support that I reached out for. I know it's easier said than done, yet never put your life, trust, or overall well being in the hands of some one who claims to love you, yet their actions and words indicate otherwise. Also treat each day as your last, and make an impact in some one else's life to let them know that life is worth living for.

Getting help is a right and a privilege, don't let yourself or others deny you of what makes your life worth living. Tomorrow may not be granted. Despite my suicide attempts, I am still here. Struggling, breathing, surviving, all because I asked for help, in what seemed like my darkest times.

coping
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About the Creator

Joy Ergang

Avid poet and writer.

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