Post-depression

I've struggled with depression for as long as I can remember. Four years ago, I was sent to an hospital because I was cutting myself and I tried to commit suicide. Did it help? Not. At. All. It surely was the worst experience ever.

Picture it: Young me (I was 15) in a small room saying goodbye to my mother because they kicked her out after two minutes with me. Five minutes later, three people (one man and two women, I think) coming in and locking my stuff away and telling me: "You have to wear this (an ugly blue hospital dress) and the only thing you can keep is your panties." At that age, I wasn't comfortable in my skin at all, and a bra was amazing because it made my breast round and perfect. Yay! Something that made me feel less shitty (sorry for that). I told them and they couldn't care less. Fast forward to two weeks later. It's my mom's birthday! Happy birthday mom! I went to see the person who took care of us and I asked her if I could only have two minutes to call my mom just so I could tell her I love her and wish her a happy birthday. It was a big NO from that woman. So I went to my room and I cried. For two days I didn't get out of my room. I was homesick. Like badly. I ate maybe one meal in two days.

After that I realised that if I behaved like a "normal" person that is healing I could maybe get out way faster. So for the next week I pretend like I was more happy. I did all my homework (they were questions like "How do you feel? Do you know why you feel like this? What can you do to feel better?"). I wrote what they wanted to hear. What happened? After one week, I was out!

I had to take some medications but I stopped them. Why, do you ask? Because society is cruel with people like me. They make us feel like shit (still sorry). People are scared of us because they don't understand us. First it was my father. He said terrible things that I absolutely can't say here. After it was at school that I realised that people think we're egoist. A nice guy I know (there's no sarcasm here, he IS nice) said to a guy in a conference we had about mental diseases, "They just don't want to be helped. We shouldn't help people that don't ask for it." I almost cried. Even the nicest and coolest guy I knew didn't understand it. So I stopped my medicine and I tried to forget that I ever went to the hospital. It kinda worked but not for very long.

Back to the present. I'm here lying in my bed and writing this while thinking "I really did went through this stuff. I remember how I felt. Alone. The saddest I've ever been. Hopeless." And I'm scared of it because from time to time I feel like this for maybe three weeks to two months. It's been a month now that I feel like this everyday. It's not like I'm in a bad situation in my life. I live in a house with my boyfriend and my three guy friends. I'm closer than ever with my mom and I work for her. I have girl friends that I couldn't live without. And even if I have everything I still manage to cry everyday. That's why I'm scared because I had everything back then too and I still tried to kill myself. What's keeping me from it now? I guess that the fear I have about it is a good thing. But what will happen if it goes away?

Sorry, it's not the happiest thing you can read but I need people to understand something. We want to be helped, I swear we really do. But how can you explain to somebody something you don't even know how to explain to yourself? Here are some exemples:

"How do you feel?"

"Alone."

"But you are always with your friends and you are smiling."

"Yes, but I still feel alone."

"Why? I don't understand."

"I don't either."

"Why are you crying?"

"Because I'm sad."

"Why are you sad?"

"I don't know."

That's the kind of thing that happened to me. You see, we don't even know what people think we know.

On a more happy note (I don't want to leave you with a bad mood), I crave tacos right now. But I don't have a car and the Taco Bell is way too far. Well, that's not very happy. Attempt number two: I have six water bottles and two glasses of water on my bedside table. I really need to pee right now. Better.

Hope you liked it my virtual lovers xx,

JJ.