Postpartum

I have had this written for quite some time. It has taken me months to accept my mental health issues and learn to cope with them. Finding myself has not been easy. Please no harsh judgments, no assumptions. If you have questions just ask. Here is my experience with postpartum depression as I was going through it. Prior to me finally seeking help.

Imagine feeling on so happy and blissful while handling your normal adulthood stress. Feels good, right? Now imagine having this sadness in your heart and not knowing why. The things that used to make you happy no longer do. Instead you're left asking why? Why can't I be happy with this (insert item) anymore? Why can't I shake this sad feeling? Why do my thoughts only turn to the worse? This is my story of battling depression as an adult.

Depression is no easy monster to battle. It comes back at the most inconvenient times. Although this time I can't really say what has caused it, I just know that I am. I look into my two beautiful daughters' eyes and feel happiness and pure love pouring from their tiny beings. I see my handsome husband grinding his life away, coming home every day to me and the girls. I see him wearing his body down to bring home money to cover all the bills. When I look into his eyes, I can feel and see how lucky I truly am to have such a kind hearted man that really cares for me. I have the best support group for anything I choose to chase, my family.

You see, I have all of these reasons to be happy. And yet... I'm not. I feel like every day I am only functioning enough to exist. I'm a mom so, obviously, I have to get out of bed and tend to the babies. If I didn't have them, I'm sure I'd stay cuddled under the sheets in a little shell and not come out till I absolutely have to.

I function like this for weeks before I absolutely lose my mind. My biggest problem is that I don't take the time for myself. If I do, I feel like complete crap the entire time because I don't have my girls. Isn't motherhood the best? No, seriously, it is. I wouldn't trade anything for them. I'll give my last breath protecting them.

I don't know when it started and I don't know how. But once I realized I was feeling down more frequently than usual, it's like every day was a challenge for me. My mom could see how bad it affected me just by looking at my house. She came to help clean and it showed so painfully. I used babysitting as an excuse for me to not do anything when really, I just didn't care anymore. I didn't care to have clean clothes neatly put away. I didn't care to have all my dishes washed when I could just wash the one I needed. I didn't care that my cats' boxes needed changing. Everywhere I looked in my house there was mess and chaos and it only made me more depressed. I felt like I was drowning in housework, but it was only my fault for not cleaning like I usually do. Don't get me wrong, my husband helps. He helps me whenever I ask for it. But I have my own ways of folding laundry and cleaning the house that if he tried, it would still be wrong. So I told him to not worry about it. I'll get it later... I didn't. Instead, my sister in law came over and helped one day. All I could do was find the negative in it. She didn't put my toddler's toys up the right way, she forgot to do this or that, she didn't ask me about the girls' clothes. There was always something negative I could find. And it's nothing personal against her, it's just my own mind and how it works/worked.

One day I just woke up and it slapped me in the face like a million bricks. Nothing is going to change in my life unless I make it happen. Sitting in the dark, messy house would never lighten the mood so I needed to clean it up, open the windows. I'm not saying I've conquered the monster by any means, she can rear her head back up at any moment. If I keep it up, maybe, just maybe, I can beat this monster alone.

Last night we went to a paint class. The first time I've ever gone. I feel like it was a perfect chance to ever go because of the painting we'd be learning. A single woman, in a world of gray but with her bright, colorful hair flowing in the wind as she looks off into the gray. I'd like to think of her as myself. Staring off into my mind, battling off all of this gloom. I'll let my colors shine. Show the world I'm not just another human being. It has taken me a long time to get my mind back to thinking positively. You see, my first thoughts after the class was done was how awful my painting turned out. No one complimented mine; everyone else's was loved by a stranger in some way. But mine? Everyone would look at but not say anything and casually walk past. I know they don't mean anything by it. My initial feeling after leaving the class was disappointment. I still felt like an empty shell just acting happy because that's what my friend expected out of me. She was just being nice when she said she liked mine. She was only saying she enjoyed it because we got to spend time together. These are the thoughts depression put into my mind. It changed the wiring in my brain to find the worse possible thoughts and go with that. And I let myself believe them because I couldn't and wouldn't take the time to find the positive.

I'm no doctor and I can't tell you what to do to pull yourself out. I know, you probably came to this post thinking it'd magically work. I'm sorry if it doesn't help. "Positive thoughts bring positive actions": a quote that I have left in a corner of my mind to gather cobwebs and dust. I'm not sure why, because this quote has helped me since my last depressed funk. If you ever get the chance, watch the movie The Secret. It's a documentary on how to make your life into what you want. Forget how to make the money, pay attention to how to better your life. Anyways, lately, the slightest bit of negativity will send me into a downward spiral. I can wake up so happy and have a good day, but just one thing and I'm a wreck. I know they say that depression is a chemical imbalance that causes you to feel this way. But I just can't bring myself to go to the doctor that I know I need to do. I started writing this because it helps me process what happened and is happening to me to cause such sadness. It's also a way to release my own demons and free my mind a bit. I don't expect anyone to respond to this, much less read it. However, if you do, thank you for your time in trying to see how I've battled depression. I hope the rest of my posts will not be so gloom.