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Postpartum Depression

The Struggle Within

By Alicia LeonPublished 6 years ago 3 min read
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POSTPARTUM DEPRESSION IS MORE REAL THAN THE AIR I BREATHE.

Depression is lonely, but postpartum depression is isolation and guilt. It’s so taboo that the thought of a discussion scares you into silence. If I talk about it will they take my baby away? If I admit what I’m actually feeling will they think I’m a bad mom and not fit to be a parent? Should I speak up or should I stay quiet? Postpartum isn’t only after the baby is born, it can start during pregnancy. Hormones are your enemy during and after pregnancy. It feels like they want to kill me. I must fake a smile and go on.

Then the bundle of joy is born. I was waiting to be overwhelmed with joyful tears and love that I couldn’t contain but instead I was just overwhelmed. Overwhelmed with this new life I brought into this world that was now my responsibility. How am I supposed to raise a baby when I can’t even stop crying? How am I supposed to love this child when I actually don’t love myself? How am I supposed to instill wisdom in his life when I myself am empty? They say it’s only temporarily then you’ll start feeling better. I’m still waiting for that day. I feel like a kid waiting for Christmas Morning. Will it ever come? I want to be happy! I want to be a happy mom! I want my kids to have a happy life. Sometimes I think that won’t happen. So I sit and wait.

Guilt over takes my emotions. It’s a guilty sadness that won’t go away. I see it in both of my son's eyes when they smile at me. I see it in my husband’s eyes when he says “I love you.'" My soul dies with every tear that falls down my cheek. I can’t help it. I try to bottle it up and not let anyone see it. I try to cover it with a fake smile. Can they see the sadness in my eyes? Do they know that I’m falling apart inside? Do they care? Put on your smile, Alicia, and keep your head held high. They will never know.

My life since becoming a parent is like a big black wall. I’m trying to get to the other side but there is no door. I’m knocking and knocking on the wall in hopes that someone will hear and rescue me. Sometimes I want to laugh hysterically and then sometimes all I can do is cry. I look at those precious baby faces that have so much joy in them and I feel so much guilt that I begin crying uncontrollably. So I start taking pills. The pharmaceutical industry has made it to my life, mind and emotions.

Now anti-depressants have taken their rightful place in my life. Now I get to fake a smile while swallowing a pill. “Take this pill,” they say. “You’ll feel better,” they say. Trying different brands and different doses to find my “magic” dose that will stop the crying and total sadness. Will taking a little pill everyday erase my memory of the past and how I felt before? Will I magically start smiling and meaning it? Will I actually be able to look my babies in the eyes without crying and feeling guilty? Can’t help but feel hopeless.

Postpartum depression is scary. It’s a dark, lonely, and miserable place and I do not wish this on my worst enemy. But I do believe that the end is in sight and there is light at the end of the tunnel. Debby Downer can’t stay around forever. In the end, Postpartum is so worth it. Those big brown eyes and the smiles that can light up any room, and they call me “Mommy”; I am totally in love. Postpartum is a long road, but a road that I can and will recover from.

depression
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About the Creator

Alicia Leon

I'm married and a mother of 3. I have 2 grown stepsons also. Love to write and love to learn. God fearing Jesus loving Bible reading woman of God

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