POV

While writing a new chapter in my book today, I was aware of a new twist: walking away from abuse and abusers for so many decades I eventually had no abuser to escape outside myself and that was when I had to stand still and see my truth.

There is one abuser in my life who has caused so much damage and heart ache, and I have spent most of my life running from them and trying to hide, but it hasn't worked. No matter where I go, she is there. She has shamed me, humiliated me, defiled me, abased me, cut me, burned me, poisoned me, put me directly in the path of danger many times, repeatedly stolen my life, destroyed my dreams, forced me to use drugs, force fed me alcohol in dangerous amounts, thrown me to other abusers, sold me, isolated me, locked me away, had me locked away, tried to get me arrested, hurt my family and friends, driven me insane with fear, stalked me, broken my heart, and almost rendered me bankrupt. She made my life a living hell for decades and I had no idea she was even there in the background destroying everything I held dear.

Now I have caught her out and the truth is so stark, so brutal, that it threw me for a while. I think I suspected her all along and I think now that I was not supposed to discover her until I was strong enough and loved myself enough to be able to handle that truth.

And the truth is:

• I can't run from 'that' abuser
• I want to learn to feel love and compassion for 'that' abuser
• I've allowed 'that' abuser to keep abusing me for years
• I have kept quiet about 'that' abuser
• I've made excuses for 'that' abuser
• I've hidden 'that' abuser
• I've allowed 'that' abuser to be around my children and grandchildren
• I don't want 'that' abuser to die a painful death
• I no longer hate 'that' abuser
• I have forgiven 'that' abuser
• I keep hoping 'that' abuser will change
• I have pretended 'that' abuser did not hurt me as much as others did when the opposite is true
• 'That' abuser caused more damage to me than all of the other abusers combined
• I want to help 'that' abuser to stop abusing me
• I don't want to shame 'that' abuser anymore
• I now understand 'that' abuser
• I am 'that' abuser and 'that' abuser is me.

Like I said, I think I've know this for a long time and just not been quite ready to see it. Only a few years ago if I had fully realised this, I would have not been able to cope at all and I own that. I would have filled myself with so much hate and revulsion that she would have been even more powerful. Instead, I have been learning self-love and response-ability so her power has been diminished.

Yesterday I was blessed with a shock that brought her back and I watched Frozen while she did her best to take me down like she used to but this time was different. Granted, I was only able to observe for a few hours but that made a big difference and now we both know she is finished. I AM the creator of my life and I AM not a victim of anything or anyone, anymore. What happened has shown me such an amazing grace and I feel truly blessed today to have completed another part of the puzzle of me. This love that fills me now will be sent out to every corner of the globe with joy and gratitude and even 'that' abuser is feeling my love today.