Prologue

The ache in my chest continued to grow as I tried to hold back my tears. Words spoken lead to the release of them; warm as they slid down my cool cheek. I zipped up my hoodie, grabbed my keys and slid my phone into the pocket of my black jeans as I walked out the door. My steps on the cement stairs barely audible to my roaring ears. All I wanted was out and I had achieved it. With one last glance behind me at the closed apartment door, I did the one thing I had been dying to do since I found out things would never be the same. I ran.

My converse slipped on the wet sidewalk, it had just recently stopped pouring out, but I caught myself with a sturdy step forward of my foot. I lost myself in the silent run, hoping I’d be able to escape if for a little while. The distance between my apartment and my escape place became quickly shorter, thus my steps slowed to a gentle walk. The grass under my converse lightly crunched as I neared my hide away. Many years ago, the old place was beautiful. A ‘secret’ brick walkway near the entrance to the complex’s pool would lead to a set of white benches arranged in a semicircle overlooking the lake, next to the apartment complex. The lake perimeter was fenced but it never took away the beauty the scene held. Now, almost ten years since, the bricks are torn from their home, benches off their hinges and in disarray. I sit on the edge of the once intact brick floor and stare towards the setting sun off the lake’s horizon. The ache in my chest has expanded since the moment my foot left the apartment. I continued to stare at the setting sun and prayed for light. I felt lost, alone, misunderstood. I wanted dearly for my mother to be the healthy woman she once was but I knew better than to believe things would ever be the same.

Since February, mom has been going through treatments and surgeries for tumors and obstructions. I’ve seen her suffer and cry more in the past months than I ever had throughout my lifetime. Yet, she’s here fighting like the strong woman I have always known her to be. No matter how much pain she may be in, or how much she’s gone through, she never stops laughing. Mom laughs at everything, unless something pisses her off, then you're in for it. Other than that, she’s a delight.

My fears for her health have already started to affect my subconscious, nightmares, waking me in the early mornings with tears rolling down my cheeks. It all seems real until I realize she’s okay and laughing in the room next door. How I wish things were different. I pray to the one person I avoid the most. I don’t know why I’m not as close to God as I once was. Maybe it’s the years, the lack of praying, the death of my aunt. Whatever the reason it’s blown out the window the moment I don’t know what else to do. I stopped asking for things for myself years ago. Every now and again I hope to pass an exam but nothing more. I never did see the point in praying for oneself when there were millions of others out there that could be living a better life all together.

Somehow I give myself a mental pep talk and smile. The once building pressure is mostly gone, letting me think clearly again. I have faith things will turn out okay and that’s all I need to move forward. I move to stand from the floor and brush off any dirt from my jeans. With one final glance towards the sun I head back home. I still wanted to leave, to drive to the beach and just sit there and write away everything I’m feeling, but I stay. Eventually life catches up to us and we have to face reality.

Author's Note

This is an excerpt of the start of what I hope will become a book at some point in my life. I may not ever finish it, but I hope I get to.