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PTSD

What to Watch for

By ShayleaPublished 5 years ago 3 min read
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Recently I was diagnosed with PTSD. Honestly, it came as a shock to me. I mean, I knew I was struggling and definitely way off of my normal behavior, but PTSD? Like, what?? How?? I just thought my anxiety was getting more severe or something. So, here I am, sitting across from my now therapist, and I am SO confused. It just didn't make any sense to me. That is, until he started asking me questions about my everyday life and behavior patterns. All of a sudden, it kind of clicked. These symptoms can range throughout every aspect of your life. So for this blog post I would like to share the most common symptoms that come along with PTSD, as well as my own encounters with each one.

Behavioral Symptoms:

  1. Agitation or irritability: This has been one of the worst parts for me. I get agitated and literally have NO CLUE why. Which then makes me irritable. Then I am a train wreck!! Taking it out on other people and the whole time I feel absolutely terrible because I don't even know why I'm agitated in the first place. It made me feel crazy.
  2. Hostility: (Kind of goes along with agitation and irritability) This is the main reason it's hard for me to make or maintain relationships with people. I come off as unfriendly or rude and well, hostile, all the time.
  3. Hypervigilance: This is a state of heightened alertness, accompanied by behavior that aims to prevent danger. When someone experiences this, their subconscious is constantly anticipating danger. After reading up on this, I've realized how paranoid I literally am ALL THE TIME! I have phobias I've never had before and fears that make absolutely no sense, as they do not directly pertain to me.
  4. Self-Destructive Behavior: For me, it's constantly downing myself and blaming myself for everything that I see go wrong. It will get so bad, I hide away in my room just so I don't ruin anyone else's day. Other ways though include: Excessive drug and/or alcohol use. Acting out sexually. Physically harming oneself.
  5. Extreme Impulsive Behavior: This is simply making spur of the moment decisions you normally wouldn't make with a level head. My impulse behaviors include: Buying things I don't need. Lashing out when I'm in a bad mood.
  6. Social Isolation: Check all of my socials, you'd never know I did this. Ask my friends and family, though. Ask them how hard it is to get me out to lunch, or sometimes even a family event. Ask them how many calls or texts go unanswered. It's not because I don't care, it's because in my head I feel my presence is not really needed or wanted (even though I know that isn't true).

Psychological Symptoms:

  1. Constant Fear and Paranoia: This is hard for me. I remember a time when I was very confident and not afraid of anything in the world. One day, I was literally scared to order food at a restaurant because I didn't want to be judged. (Does my order affect the waiter? No.)
  2. Flashbacks: This one isn't something I struggle with badly, but there are certain places or songs or even people that throw me back into a traumatic time in my life, which will ultimately affect my mood for the rest of the day and make me remember something or a time I really, really do not want too.
  3. SEVERE Anxiety: I am so jittery and anxious almost every second of every day. The smallest tasks can cause me to breakdown, to hyperventilate, to just freak out. Somedays, I don't want to leave my house because when I do and see people, I start freaking out about what they're thinking about me. Or if it's me they're talking or laughing about. I'm constantly scared to speak because I'm afraid to say the wrong thing or embarrass myself.
  4. Mistrust: Back to hypervigilance—I used to be someone who saw the good in everyone, someone who believed in the good in the world. Now, I'm constantly questioning the intentions of others. Sometimes even with people I already trust and know I can trust. This causes me to just want to be alone because sometimes I feel like the only person I can truly trust is myself.

Moods:

  1. Guilt. Guilty because I can't explain or understand what's going on with me. Guilty because I can't get ahold of my own mind or any of my emotions. Guilt because I can't control my outbursts sometimes (whether that's tears or anger). Guilt because I feel like because of my illness, I make all of my family and friend's lives harder. Guilty to myself because of the way I feel about who I am.
  2. Loneliness: Even when I'm surrounded by people, I'll feel alone. I'll feel like nobody else will get it, or want to. I feel lonely because I feel like I'm trapped in my own head.
  3. Loss of Interest or Enjoyment in Activities: The things I withdrew from was my A) social life—I stopped going out, stopped seeing my friends, stopped having a life. And B) Basketball—I've written about this before, but basketball used to be my safe place. When I was sad or upset, I'd go spend hours in the gym just shooting or dribbling around. Then one day, it just didn't matter to me anymore. I mean it did, but it just wasn't how it used to be. The gym nor the game could give me that rush anymore. I no longer wanted to hear people cheer and chant for me. I just wanted to hide away from the world.

Sleep:

  1. Insomnia: There are nights I won't be able to fall asleep until almost 6 in the morning. It's like I can't get my brain to hush and even if I lie in a completely dark room, I will still just lay there thinking about a milllllion things. I've lost jobs because I would stay up so late and fall asleep right before time to go and I wouldn't wake up until hours later. (And this is NOT the person I want to be. Nor is it the person I am anymore)
  2. Nightmares: I personally do not deal with this, but then again, I do not sleep very much.

Other Common Symptoms:

  1. Emotional Detachment: From people, to things you used to love. It sucks because you STILL care about these things. It's just like you have no emotions at all to give.
  2. Unwanted Thoughts: I used to think things like; "Everyone's life would be so much easier if I weren't in it" and "I wish I wasn't here anymore." Though I didn't feel suicidal, these thoughts sound that way, right? Yes. I literally didn't want to be here anymore. I would not and have never harmed myself physically, but feeling this way about yourself is cruel and sad. It made me feel so ashamed.

Before PTSD affected my life personally, I didn't know anything about it. Sure, I'd heard of it before but I was so uneducated and unaware. Knowing the symptoms now, I can tell you sooo many people I've come across who could potentially have this illness and I NEVER would have known. I never would've been able to help them. They would have to suffer in silence the way I used to and the way so many undiagnosed people do right now!

Which is exactly why I wanted to share this now, to help in any way I can. Share my own struggles and the symptoms. People need to be educated because this illness is very real but very treatable with the right help!! I have chosen EDMR Therapy and have an awesome therapist! My life has changed drastically through seeking professional help and I am finally starting to feel like myself again!

If you think you know someone dealing with PTSD, reach out to them because I can tell you personally, it's hard for them to reach out to anyone. IT NEVER HURTS TO ASK!!!

If you, yourself feel like you are dealing with this, REACH OUT. Trust me, I know how hard it seems to do, I know the reasons you don't want to. But with the right therapist, with the right program, this CAN BE BEAT. If therapy isn't for you, research PTSD, try to find things online that can help you cope. And as always, anyone can reach out to me at anytime. I will never judge and I will always listen. Take your life back.

Much Love - Shay

ptsd
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About the Creator

Shaylea

24. Oklahoma. Dog lover. Introverted extrovert. Weird. Emotional. Human.

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