PTSD

The truth about PTSD! I suppose I best start with a short introduction. My name is Sam and I served in the British armed forces from 1995 until 2013. During that time I had served in Africa, Iraq, Kosovo, Bosnia and a few other locations. So let's begin to talk about that dirty thing known as PTSD. Firstly, it's not something you should be ashamed of. It's completely normal to be the way you are. It's the brains way of somehow coping with trauma, the problem is, is that it changes you, the sufferer, in more ways than you can imagine. For some it starts with resentment or bitterness towards others. For others it could be small lies, or the odd shouting for the smallest thing. I found that I started to lose my temper very easily, I would go mad sometimes thinking about wanting to hurt someone. This then became more and more gradual. My hatred became so bad that I struggled being around almost anybody. Then, other things started happening to me, I was lying all the time; to friends, family and co-workers, it got to the point where even I didn't know the difference between what was the truth and what was a lie. After this the next stage was being mischievous, I mean..... I was taking out bank loans and credit cards that I didn't even need and funny enough the debts started building up fast. People really started to notice a bad change in not only my personality but also in my appearance. I didn't shave, my eyes where dark and sunken, I trembled with either fear or anger. All I ever thought was there was danger just around the corner and I had to be ready at all times no matter what. Every one was my enemy and as such, I had to protect myself at any cost including taking someone's life. Shortly after, I started to notice the change in myself and that's when I started to feel sorry for myself. I mean, between the nightmares, flashbacks and all the other stuff, it just got way, way, way too much. This continued for months and that's when I distanced myself from everyone even those who cared and loved me. You see, what PTSD really does is it wants to get you all alone, it wants YOU! All to itself. It wants you to get rid of all and any help out there so that your so low and I mean low, like way below the bottom of a barrel low. The drinking starts, and gets worse and worse and the moods really get bad. That's when the thoughts in your head start, that little voice starts whispering the unthinkable. Suicide, it wants YOU to pick up the gun or grab the razor blade or find that high bridge or get the whiskey and tablets and just end it all now. You sit there thinking about how you've hurt everyone around you, how no one can bear being anywhere near you. It's doing this over and over and over until finally, the band just snaps and you do it. You just end it there andtThen, you believe that everyone will be so much better with you gone. The actual fact is, this is far from the truth. WHAT you've done is you've just hurt everyone far more than you could possibly imagine. So, how do you stop it? When is it time to say I need help, and I need help now. For me, I asked for help when I failed to take my own life, for others it was when they noticed a change in themselves. But we're all different and to be honest it's not where or when but it's the fact that you need to accept the illness and you need to reach out and get the help you need asap. Treat it as if your life depends upon it because the reality is, it does! When I started getting help, the first thing we did was behavioural therapy helping me to be around people again without wanting to harm them. Once I had received this treatment for eight months, I started to feel much better. I could actually be around people again and I even started to smile again. This is when we also talked about the nightmares and the flashbacks. The treatment was called EMDR. Using sound and eye movement, your focused on the images that come into your head and with the therapy after some time, these memories and images disappear. The nightmares and the flashbacks disappear, but there's a side effect. Memory loss! For me, I lost almost two years of my memory. It was all a complete blank, and depending on the person, this can take years to get back. But no matter what happens, you have to realise that having done all this, you really are on the mend. And with that, you can start with fighting to gaining your life back. The people that care about you will see the difference in time and people will start to have trust in you in good time. You just have to remember that it's down to YOU! You need to be the one to realise that YOU need the help and only YOU can reach out and ask for it. When you do this, then the rest is history and the new beginning of your life will start. I wish you all the very best and hope that some of this is of some help to someone out there. Even if this is able to save one life, then I've done some good. And that's good enough for me. Take care people and all the very best.

Sam