PTSD vs Scientology

In order to know, really know, my story, I would have to take you back nine years, to the beginning of my military career. However, I won’t bore you with the intricacies of my history. Instead, I will give you the information that I believe is relevant to what led to my first visit at a Church of Scientology.

In case you couldn’t tell by my description, I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder. I also have Major Depression Disorder and severe anxiety.... or do I?

After diving headfirst into therapy, I attacked my disability with the rigor that I usually attacked any opportunity. However, while I could grasp the materials, my outbursts would get worse the more I tried to process. It was the mounting frustration of understanding my curse and being unable to conquer an invisible enemy that led me to try to self-destruct.... on more than one occasion.

While on this path, I was lucky enough to meet my husband, a fellow scholar of a different type. He has been a blessing to my family in a time when we needed him most.

Now here is where things get dicey. I read a book called ThePsychopath Test. While I understood how the subconscious part of the brain (Scientologists call it the reactive mind, in yoga I have heard it referred to as the mammalian brain) retained memories of traumatic times and stored them, I had never taken a good solid look at psychology practices and how they were formed.

After reading The Psychopath Test, I felt reinvigorated. Is it true? Is my sickness a lie? Is it all in my head? Is my personality only ever a result of the direct response of my brain?

Reading The Psychopath Test brought my attention to Scientology. Within the book, the author refers to individuals within the church who pointed him towards information that the public isn’t entirely aware of. The entire process of identifying disorders required very little to no evidence initially.

As I read more about pharmaceutical sideeffects, and made the choice to try to handle my diagnosis, my husband started to introduce lectures from L Ron Hubbard.

It was amazing. Not just because he was a genius, but because I could readily identify the genius behind his methods. Reading about how the organization works, it’s confusing and terrifying to hear some of the stories about what processes you go through in order to progress.

I was scared beyond reason when my husband and I took a personality test before coming into the church. The church offers a free personality test with results to be reviewed at the church. I shook, itched and twitched the whole car ride there.

I feared judgment from strangers. I thought back to the frowns of every person who had doubted my claims and I felt the pain of mistrust before ever seeing a person in the church. That was my state of mind during the agonizing drive through traffic in the city. The entire time I was trying to fight the irrationality.

When we arrived, I was surprised to find a large, elegant building. It was pristine in an organization, intricate and detailed symbols and a vast collection of Scientology books lined the walls. The entryway had one receptionist at the front who welcomed us warmly; she invited us to browse while we waited for her to retrieve someone to review our results.

While we waited, we walked through sectioned areas. In one room, we found memorabilia documenting the genius of L Ron Hubbard, the founder of Scientology. I couldn’t help but be astonished at the accomplishments.

We walked through other small seating areas meant to share the different courses meant to make individuals better humans. I began to see more programs that I had never heard about. Rehabilitation to prisoners with (could it be true?) 100 percent rehabilitation rate!

What was it about this place? What kind of peace were these people finding in science that I couldn’t achieve with raw force or will?

Divine intervention had me take the test again (have to love technology) because my test wasn’t in the system. Refuse to blame the church for that. While I tested, my husband went in to talk with the Scientologist.

After my test, we watched an orientation video, highlighting the different components of the church, how to make reports, who does what and more.

Then came the hard part. I sat down with the representative and started my story. My husband had already informed the individual that I had been through various forms of therapy, meditation and medication before.

So I let it out. I didn’t want to blow. I didn’t want tears. I just wanted to list the traumas and get through it without crying. So here is a small taste of a few of them:

1. Raped within 30 days of deployment
2. Watched mother die
3. Assaulted while pregnant
4. Combat deployment

As I listed the events to only include a general description of my woes, my heart started to quicken. My hands started to reach to itch the same spot, just above the elbow. My shoulder started to shrug like I was questioning my own words. Nervous ticks became stronger as I continued, lessening when my husband held my hand, our untold sign that I need to slow down because I’m getting so ramped up.

The man across from me didn’t look nervous in the least, and it made me feel...welcome. It felt good but I didn’t know how to take it. When you don’t act “normal” in society, you get looks, when you constantly tick, pick and snap, you get used to looks of surprise, anger, pity...but not acceptance.

This man looked at me, on the verge of tears and assured me that he couldn’t imagine being through what I had. And I cried. I felt better. He didn’t judge me. He knew what was wrong and wanted to give me the means to help.

I started my first course and continue to read his books as much as possible. Why? Because L. Ron Hubbard is the single author that has been able to identify a technique where I can explore my trauma in a safe place.

I left feeling less weight than I have in a long time. Why? Because I have already started to see my surroundings in a different light. I have started to see MYSELF in a different light. Sometimes, you have to stop seeing yourself as weak and these books helped me recognize that.