Purging in the Dark

I remember it as though it was yesterday, it's so clear in my mind. I'm laying on the floor in my bedroom crying uncontrollably because I ate too much for dinner and feel bloated. I'm upset because my stomach is no longer flat. I am seven years old. I wonder to myself why this doesn't happen to my mother. I also wonder why I can't be thin like the twins in my class. They are so skinny that they have that coveted thigh gap, although that's not what I call it at the time. This continues through my school years. Never feeling good enough. Maybe people will like me better if I'm skinnier. Blah, blah, blah.

Fast forward to my second year of university. I'm living in an estrogen-filled women's dorm which is a constant show of girls on parade. It isn't actually that bad, but my self-worth is non-existent and I see things through crap-colored glasses. I've just finished dinner in the meal hall, which is an all-you-can eat buffet every.single.day. I get anxious about what I will eat every time I go down there. I do well to restrain myself at most meals, but then end up bingeing later since all I can think of is food, of course. I finish my usual meal of a dry tuna sandwich, since mayonnaise is the devil, and eat a few raw veggies and soup. I'm doing great. Then I remember that it's Sunday night, which means that there will be a dessert bar with all the ice cream and toppings you could ever want. I can't resist. I decide to treat myself to a small one–no harm done. When I finally finish my second small Sunday, I head back to my room, I find the excuse that I have an assignment to finish to avoid going to a friend's room to watch Dawson's Creek. I know I need to get rid of what I eat before it's too late. I have a system down pat. I've even shared these tips with a friend on a drunken night out at the bar.

As I write this, I'm thinking: "who was that spoiled brat who can't deal with her minor issues?" But the reality is that I couldn't see beyond my desire to be skinny. Everything would be perfect if I were smaller. I was able to normalize behaviour and not really consider that what I was doing wasn't ok.

Now I'm back in my room and can feel the rich ice cream settling in my stomach. I make sure that I have a double bag in my trash can and check that my door is locked. Then I take a small drink of water to help things along. I start my sticking one finger in my throat but quickly upgrade to four because my gag reflex is non-existent. I get most of my food out quietly with only minor splashing in my face. I wipe my hands and face off with the nearest towel and tie up the bag. The liquid is warm and sloshing around. I peek out into the hallway and quietly dispose of the remnants in the large communal tray can. I head back to my room to actually do my homework and try to keep busy because food is essentially all I think about. One would think that these thoughts would shut off at some point in the day, but it's ongoing. As I'm working on my assignment, I decide to have a light snack. It won't hurt. My usual choice is a rice cake with a bit of peanut butter on it. After attempting to eat it slowly, I keep doing my schoolwork and just can't stop thinking about the vending machine in the lounge full of sweets. I decide to go for one, not thinking clearly anymore. I have a one-track mind. I need that sugar! I hope there won't be anyone in the lounge and am relieved when I walk into an empty room. I don't want anyone judging what I'm eating. I decide to get a fudge brownie and a rice crispy square. I can't even make it to my room before I start stuffing it into my mouth. Within a minute, I've finished everything and am sitting on my bed just disgusted with myself. How could I have done it, again!? I know that I need to wait a few minutes before I can try to purge anything out. I've gotten pretty good at knowing the perfect time to try. Then round two is done and I'm once again disposing of the evidence. I decide it's been a long day and I've screwed it up so today is a write off. As I lay in the dark, I keep repeating to myself: "Time to start fresh in the morning. Everything will be better in the morning." Here's hoping it will be.