Pursuit of Happiness Manifested From Sadness

Growing up, my idea of happiness was not what I thought at all. For me, happiness was surrounding myself with a crowd; it was hanging out with people so I wouldn't be bored. It was spending money on things I didn't need because I felt like I would fit in.

I learned the hard way that for someone to be happy, they needed to feel sadness as well. The truth is, I was sad for a while and I didn't even know it because I would surround myself with the wrong people, the wrong materialistic goods, and most importantly, the wrong mindset. How is it I went six years thinking: in order for someone to notice me, I have to look prettier than the girl standing next to me. Has society made everything a competition? Is that why girls are so mean to each other? I wonder about this everyday.

I found myself thinking why I never felt happy when I was alone, and it was because I relied on so many other people to make me happy. Girls, how many of us sit around in our rooms watching Netflix until plans come up? How many of us spend a full day getting our nails and toes done because we know we have an event to go to in two—three days? How many of us buy a specific outfit for one night and never wear it again? How many of us hop on the bandwagon to the newest trend, even though we don't agree with it? For the boys, the do-nothing club is just as bad.

What's even more crazy is, when I felt sadness, I felt it. I felt my heart ache when I saw what was making me sad. I felt the lump in my throat after suppressing my emotions for months. I felt myself losing reality. I. Felt. The. Sadness. It was different from the happiness I thought I needed. It was real, it was painful, and it helped me grow.

I was in my first year of college when I truly felt the pain of being sad. It lasted months and it was different from the depression that I usually have. It was sadness in its purest form. It was looking at someone and wanting to cry every time. It was painful. It broke parts of me that I am still trying to rediscover. It hurt in a way that I cannot express into words. It was evil, and karma was doing a good job of letting me know to never let it happen again. I had to break completely. I had to feel that sadness in the most painful way. I had to let that friend go and I had to forgive myself.

I was ready for the year to be over. I was ready for change. I cut off all of my hair and wanted a fresh start. I was feeling happy. I was discovering myself. I was accepting my reality. I started going to places that I loved by myself. I was enjoying the solitude. I began reading at parks or beaches alone. I went to small coffee shops and cafés by myself. I learned more about myself in three months than I ever had. I was happy and I felt it. I was sane. I could converse with people and I was doing things I loved, dressing the way I wanted to and spending money on things I wanted. It was about me. I was doing things for myself. I was happy.

Right now, I'm in the gutters, but if I can experience a heartbreak, I can pick myself up. Never doubt yourself when you feel sad. Things will get better.