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An all familiar sickness washes over and you cannot be sure you are drowning or if it is cleansing. The same can be just as overwhelming. It's getting worse, it's shameful to be so weak, it's painful and soul destroying that it almost answers your constant fear, you are drowning.
You want to move but the weight is too much. It's all too much and your resolve is weakening. Here is the stand, the main event, the precursor to horror. When everything is indecision you cannot breathe, it's absorbing every fiber and the pen is the catharsis working so well you now feel that high. It is dizzying and disorienting. Yet, the adrenaline is wearing off. You are starting to crash.
A headache is now pounding so that it is causing a ringing on your head to become louder as it starts to pound. An extensive assault reverberates inside your brain causing something similar to motion sickness.
You knew what was coming and you still see so much worse, yet you take that fall. You are the one that is hit and it still hurts. As you start to think about it the weight comes back to you and you cannot fix it. The emotional yo-yo is extensive, it hurts. It's heartbreaking.
You are sat here on your own with no one else to talk to, even if you were to scream from the outside, no one would hear and would anyone actually care? With that in your head, you are starting to lose hope, lose ground and lose that fight you go through with on a daily basis.
With that goes what little self-confidence you had, what little self-worth you had. You cannot medicate through that, there is no fixing or fixer for it and it just creates and repeats that shame spiral that everyone talks about so much. The words were spoken and feel like a disappointment. You have let people down, you have let yourself down.
Integrity—an important word that sums everything up you build yourself on.
Face everything and rise or feel everything and run is something to question. Which is it to be? Am I going to beat it or am I going to let beat me? Will I be the warrior or will I be drained by everything. So, for now, you carry on with it over, and over, and over. It hurts.
The guilt is a binder and also the attack force. So you know what to let be your strength and which to be your weakness. All of these feelings are quite exhausting, your eyelids are heavy and where once you found joy, there is none. You call to talk, but you get nothing and the abandonment almost feels too much, leaves you thinking one thing. Do I want to hurt myself or do I just want to die?
This feels disjointed. Good. This is me talking out of an anxiety attack and using distraction as a means to stop myself doing something stupid or reckless. Will it be the decider, what will win and is it fair that every day a person is having a fight each day like this. Yet, my battle is an easy one to some, others have a strong hard day. It is difficult for me and others may struggle with this battle as much as I do.
Today, I am struggling and on another day I may have been stronger. I am just about strong enough to not hurt myself, but not strong enough to allow myself to eat or drink. I will forever feel this burden and sickness.