Really Alone

Have you ever been alone? Not just by yourself or single. I mean really alone. Like the type of alone where you are surrounded by people and at the same time you’re scared and in your own head to the point you can’t even hold a conversation without saying something so ridiculous you walk away feeling like the biggest idiot thinking, “why did I say that?" I said that because my brain was thinking about 10 different things at once and I didn’t have the time to stop and think about the conversation being had. My mouth just shot out the first thing that came to mind. At that moment I was thinking about the perfect girl I saw at the mall last week and how if I looked like that maybe that boy would love me or maybe this person would respect me or maybe I would get that job. I was thinking about what I said the night before to that friend that she answered but not in the way I thought she would so now I don’t know if it was taken the wrong way. I was thinking about that boy I’m madly in love with but can’t manage to 100% let people in without lashing out because of deep insecurities I want to fix. And I’m also thinking about how I need to go to the gym but a Big Mac would make me feel a lot better right about now. My mind is never silent, never quiet, never calm. It’s constantly racing, wondering why that person just looked at me like that. And it causes me to think about it for the next 2 hours and get defensive in my own head because they don’t understand, they never will. The truth is, how can they understand? How can I expect anyone to understand what I cannot even begin to understand myself? I can’t, it’s not fair. And here I am, back to feeling like a terrible person. But why should I feel bad about something I’m struggling with trying to fix? I shouldn’t. I want to be happy; I want to be normal. Either one would suffice. It’s like there is a wire electric fence 10 feet high in front of me and I can catch a glimpse of who I used to be, who I want to be. I don’t know how I ended up on this dark side of the fence... I just want to figure out how to get back over, because it’s almost like I start to find a way to climb it and it starts to feel good, like I’m close; I hit a wire and it burns me and I fall back down. I have to start all over, only this time, every time I fall and get burned, people start to see just how damaged I really am. That scares me even more. I want to be happy, I want to be normal. I need to first figure out what caused me to wake up on this side of the fence. Maybe just maybe once I figure out what the underlying problems are; just maybe I’ll be able to break the fence down instead of trying to avoid it. That’s the hard part though, isn’t it? Figuring out what really screwed us up so bad? Which problem, which heartbreak, which comment really did hurt you this bad? After you’ve trained yourself for so long to not let it get to you. Which knife was it that struck through the armour? First I have to find that knife. It’ll take some time, I know it will. But one day, eventually.. I’ll make it to the other side of the fence.