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So, tomorrow is my two year anniversary. Two years ago, I tried to commit suicide. I can’t say that it has been easy, this whole, being alive thing. It hasn’t been all unicorns or rainbows but I am glad I didn’t die.
Recently, I’ve had a bit of a relapse. I’ve been in immense pain and diagnosed with a pretty crappy health condition. It’s hard trying to pull myself out of the dark sometimes, there are nights when I can’t sleep, when my mind whispers to me and I struggle to push those thoughts away.
If you’re in that place now, maybe this list will help.
1. Driving with the Windows down and the Music Blasting Loud
I love doing this. I have a sun roof and as soon as spring appears, I’m there. Driving on country roads, listening to 90s pop and forgetting my problems exist. I’d stay alive a little bit longer just to feel that breeze through my hair again.
2. BBQs During the Summer
Sitting outside in a chair and staring up at a bright blue sky all day. I don’t have large amounts of friends and family, so I often do this alone or with my partner. The days just melt away.
3. My Dog
Ted, my Pomeranian is like a baby. He’d be so confused if I just disappeared and never came back. He’s a Mommy’s boy and he gets pretty anxious when I’m not around. It would be mean of me to leave him.
4. Long Walks
We have large woodland areas near my house. I love walking the dogs through there. It’s peaceful.
5. My Friends and My Husband
When my dad committed suicide in 2014, I wondered if it was my fault. Did I do something wrong? Could I have stopped him? I was more self aware in 2014, aged 18, than I was in 2007, when my best friend committed suicide aged 11. That sense of blame is a huge burden, the guilt is awful. They don’t deserve that.
6. Long Phone Calls
When I was younger, I’d have friends who’d call me at midnight and who I’d talk to until four AM. Those phone calls were the best. You’d talk about nothing for hours, this wasn’t a place for problems, it was a place for discussing your best jokes and your cheesiest chat up lines.
When you first meet someone and you shamelessly flirt with them. Those butterflies and the will they/ won’t they feelings you get. Those magical days/weeks/months. Knowing that they like you too.
8. Good Sex
I am talking, earth shattering sex that leaves you weak at the knees and wanting more. The feeling of being fucked by someone who actually knows what they’re doing.
9. Those Places I Haven't Been yet
I have only been to Spain, Greece, Thailand, Las Vegas, England, and Wales. I haven’t been to Italy, I’ve never been to France or Disney World, and I want to see the Empire State Building, the Golden Gate Bridge, the Hollywood sign, and Salem. I’ll never see those places if I’m dead.
10. There is so much left to do.
I can’t kickbox. I didn’t learn Japanese. I’ve never ridden a motorbike. I didn’t learn to pole dance. I’ve never owned a pair of Louboutins. I wanted to take art classes. The list is endless.
11. I haven't overcome this illness yet.
I am going to come back from this, from everything, and I am going to kick its ass. I refuse to let people remember me as the shell of myself that I am now. I used to be thin, athletic and a strong woman, I have a great sense of humour and I honestly believe that somehow I will find my way back.
12. Nothing is permanent.
It doesn’t matter how awful things feel right now. Everything changes. In six months you could have a new job, a new partner, a new baby, a new life. You could feel better. Things always feel awful at the time, but you will overcome this. You can keep going. I promise.