Relapse

Every day we face choices that can destroy what we have worked so hard to overcome. We don't always notice them, but they are always there, standing right under our nose but just out of sight. It's possible to avoid these triggers if you have completely disassociated your addiction from your life. For some, it is a false reality that they will never face the gut-wrenching pull to pick back up their old habits.

We do our best to steer clear of the smoking areas at outdoor events. We change the channel when a new diet program is being previewed. We read reviews and warnings before watching documentaries and new reality-based shows. We cut off contact with old friends we used to party with. We do our best to censor our lives away from our past addictions.

When people think of relapsing, they think of an addict going back to drugs after a period of being clean, but there is so much more to it than that. Relapsing is the rotten feeling you get in the pit of your gut when you light a cigarette after quitting for two years. It's the feeling of self hatred when you pick up a new diet magazine after promising yourself you will just eat healthier and stop depriving your body of fuel. Being ashamed when you take chunks of skin out of your hands after months without mutilating your own body. The guilt you feel when an old friend messages you to come party and you agree, knowing they still partake in the drugs you fought so hard to get out of your system for months.

It takes willpower to fight off the desires that lay deep in your soul. We do not always have full control of these demons that lay dormant within ourselves. Relapsing can happen to anyone. Do not let it be a reason to allow yourself to fall back into your pit of bad habits permanently. Just because you lose control once does not mean you cannot regain your strength to continue to fight. You can persevere through your darkest hours and set yourself back up for success in locking back up your darkness.

I never thought I would be one to relapse after making the conscious decision to quit destroying my life, but it came knocking at my door. I didn't answer the first, second, or even the third time, but after 100th I caved and welcomed darkness back into my life.

I used to struggle with self harm and a pill addiction. I would find myself purposely burning myself, cutting my skin, and punching my face. I would take double the dose I was prescribed and for over-the-counter medicine, I would take it by the handful. It was a regular occurrence weekly and I let it rule my life. I was stuck in a spiral of self destruction with no attempts to get better. Wearing long sleeves and pants in the summer to avoid people seeing my scabs and bruises was just another way I made my suffering longer. I prevented my friends and family from seeing the path I was going down.

I lived like this for a few months before getting caught high on pills at school with cuts down my arms. My parents sought out counseling for me which I didn't take seriously the first year. I still continued taking pills without counting and harming myself in less noticable places. I didn't realize how detrimental my addiction to self destruction was until I realized they were not my only bad habits.

I had picked up smoking cigarettes and was barely eating. Of course, these went hand in hand with my mental illnesses and horrible coping mechanisms. I decided it was time to take back my life and actually opened up to my mom and counselor about what I had been truly fighting. I managed to keep it contained for months, locked in the back of my mind being pushed behind distractions. Not all cages are built to last forever. Unfortunately, the bolts came loose and I lost control of myself. I manage to fight it back into the cage after it wreaks havoc for a couple days, but I never let that part of me stay in control for long.

You are NOT weak if you relapse. You are not a shitty person who cannot control themselves ever again. You are a beacon of light whose bulb was in the repair shop for a couple of days. You can shine through this slip up and the potential ones to come. You do not have to let your mind win.

Keep fighting.