Revving Up

It's time again. Time again. November through December time again. My mind begins to race. Thoughts racing in and out. Revving up for this time of year. This time of year. The fight to control those damn emotional triggers that are so very hard to not feel. My senses are on fire. I feel my body try to fight what my mind feels it needs. This time of year I want to feel numb. No, I do not wish to exist!

This time of year I am fighting harder not to pick up that bottle of Vodka I put down two years ago. To not find my Pepsi and CLC fix so I can cope with this time. This festive, magical, joyous family time of year.

Even with the coping skills I have learned and practiced. Even with the knowledge of support systems and caring ears of friends. This time of year a whole new person arrives in my life. That person that stays dormant until the beginning of November. She skillfully and silently slips in and begins to take over my mind. Whispering her taunting messages of hate and destruction. She can arrive any moment at any given minute. I fear her, I fight her, I do not want her here, I hate her. Every time she gets a bit more crafty in showing up. Finding a way around the wall I have been creating to keep her out. Arriving in a thought, perhaps on a look, or tone of a voice.

My sister of two years younger, unknowingly invited her in, removing the bricks that kept her out with one simple question. "What's your plans for Christmas this year?"

This will the first year sister and I will be without our mother for the holidays. Mom passed away from complications due to surgery she had in March, only ten days after my 50th birthday.

The holidays mean a great deal to our family. We come together, eat and play card games. It was mom who would cook the traditional holiday feasts, homemade gravies and pies. It was mom who would start the turkey early so the house would smell of home cooked goodness. We would wake up to the smells of pies, stuffing, potatoes, and love.

... and it begins with a simple text message from my sister. "What are your plans for Christmas?"

—"I have no idea. I would like to try to spend it with dad and you this year. I hate this time of year."

"I really would like to have you here this year for Christmas Eve. Spend Thanksgiving with dad and also Christmas day."

—"I will see what's Tim's ideas are and go from there."

"Well you missed spending moms last Christmas with her and thanksgiving. I don't want you to do that with dad he is getting older and it would break your heart. I am ok about Thanksgiving but you were not here last year on Christmas and I could really use you this year. Anyway whatever you decide. I love you."

—"Ok will work it out later."

How could she have know this would set me off? How could I tell her that I was already having a hard time dealing with not being with my family last year? How could I have predicted our mother would not be here this year? How torn I feel knowing she needs her older sister with her this year more than ever? How guilty it makes me feel for being pulled in 3 different directions every year. Jumping between my significant others side of the family, our father and his family and our mother and her side of the family every year… year after year... after year. Trying to maintain an equal balance of my time with those I love, all, at this time of year.

This time of year there are many of us out there that suffer from depression and anxiety. Our senses are on high alert. Every holiday season we hear of those whom have surrender to that voice within. To self medicate. To become angry, full of negative emotion. To distance our selves from those we love. This time of year, I ask you be aware of your friends, family, co-works, and children. This time of year it is hard for many folks coping with the pressure the holidays place upon them. This time of year the best gift you can give is positive support. Seek understanding and find help to get through the very real struggle you are facing.

This is my gift to you. Someone reading this story may feel the same. This time of year we are not alone.