RSVP for a Party Hosted by Depression and Anxiety

What is it about the night that not only snuffs out the brightness of the day, but the warm, happy thoughts that are more prevalent while the sun is out?

There are times when I dread the suffocating second part of the day when all traces of natural lighting have fled for the next 12 hours.

Rational thought packs up its bags and leaves while anxious and depressed thoughts enter in to suffocate all traces of happy thoughts that were gathered throughout the day.

Lately, I have been staying up 'til one in the morning because I do not feel ready to go to bed until all thoughts of suicide and the underlying worries that have decided to pop up like unwanted weeds dissipate.

Music helps. I found a few songs online that I listen to at night that are soothing and encourage sleep rather than an unhealthy binge of old The Nanny episodes as well as window shopping online for skirts, shirts, and skein after skein of yarn that I know I cannot really afford right now. (To be fair, technically I could afford the yarn, but I already have too many skeins as it is in my overflowing yarn baskets.)

I know my anxiety and depression is off the rails when I have this irrational urge to spend my money with made-up reasons such as:

• You only live once.
• The item in question does not cost that much.
• It is just a one-time thing (not true when clothes and yarn are involved).
• I am getting paid this Friday anyway.
• My friends and family will never see my bank accounts and thus never know how much or how little I actually have…

During the day I feel the effects of my rendezvous with anxiety and depression the night before. Hateful thoughts about loved ones creep up like the undead out of a horror film and snide remarks slither close to my lips only to be shoved back by the, graciously, rational thoughts that are, thankfully, available during the day.

Excuses seem to rule alongside my anxiety and depression, as if it is the underling and my mental health is its Master. After all what is one more episode of this show or that show? What if I forget to look up that recipe, apply to that job, or even look up several different Korean dramas with English subtitles the next day? After all, I do have the worst memory on the planet, so it is perfectly logical at 11 o’clock at night or even at one in the morning to get those items on my list checked off right then and there, rather than wait 'til a reasonable hour the next day…

Insecurities love to pop up during this time of the night as well… After all, I have been back home with a Bachelor’s degree for almost a year. Why don’t I have a job in my field of study already? (I am currently looking for either editorial or writing work by the way. Please do not make the abhorrent assumption that having a degree in English means I want to be a teacher. There are, literally, a plethora of other jobs one can have with that particular degree.)

Getting in the mood for writing this article, that is way past its expiration date, was a trial alone. How on Earth am I ever going to get a job or a home or move out or do anything with my life if I cannot even shut my eyes and go to sleep at a decent hour?

Also, what if I never have the right motivation to get my butt outside and start exercising so that I can start to try to lose weight? I do not want to continuously go up in pants, shirts, skirts, dress, etc. sizes. It was a nightmare looking for clothes that I actually could see myself wearing and that were even in my size the last time I went shopping.

I would love to have complete control over my mental health, but I guess I will have to be satisfied with that fact that I know I have a problem and little by little, I am recognizing what I need to do in order to get better.