Running to Save My Life

For many years I have battled depression unknowingly, or maybe I knew and just did not understand. I simply believed I was just having a bad day, or a bad week, a bad year. But I realized something was actually wrong when I would be watching TV and start crying while watching any show where someone was succeeding. I remember watching The Voice one time and started crying uncontrollably at someone being eliminated, watching a serious commercial and tears would start to roll. My children would look at me with concern but just joke about it, because I would get so defensive if they questioned me about my tears.

I decided I needed to seek help. But where do you turn, who do you call? So I just continued to struggle and disappoint those around me until one day I had thoughts of ending my life. I felt that everyone would be better off without me, but I hesitated at the thought of not being in my children’s lives. I walked myself into a hospital ER and told them I needed help. I met a doctor there who really seemed to care and sat with me for hours talking and keeping me calm as they moved everything out of the room I could use to hurt myself. I have been struggling financially for years and not knowing what to do after the hospital except that I needed someone to talk to; I went to the state mental health facility and was assigned a counselor. Within minutes of meeting my counselor he informed me that I was struggling with depression and had been for years. He was so kind and caring; we talked for an hour and I bawled my eyes out for 57 minutes. Just talking openly was such a relief, it felt like the weight of the world was off my shoulders for 57 minutes. I wanted to avoid getting to reliant on medication; I know that medication can be incredibly helpful for some, but I just know my addictive personality it would not work well for me. I also needed to lose some weight from my years of living such a stagnant life battling my depression and being unmotivated to be active. So I decided to start running a little. I would go for 20 minutes and just clear my head, look at trees and birds. A little turned into a lot, and it started to change me.

I started spending hours a day on trails, getting lost in nature, watching the sun rise some days, or the sun set others. I would not bring a watch or GPS or anything to measure my distance or time, I just would run until I felt like stopping, when I would reach that happy place, where everything running through my mind was good, what was my goal that day, this week, what was I going to do with my children. This time spent moving forward began to change me physically and mentally. I found myself much more energized, prepared, and most of all, happy almost every day. I started to be much more optimistic that everyday things would get better, and they are.

This drug called running is now a part of my everyday. I am going to train myself to run a 100 mile race, to test myself both mentally and physically. I would like to share my journey to my 100 mile race with everyone, and my journey to my mental well being. I am also going to share my journey to depression and finding my way out. I just wanted to write a short introduction to myself. I have always wanted to write about this journey and this seems like a great platform. If you would like to support my goal of running a 100 mile ultra marathon, please leave me a tip. I look forward to sharing my stories of struggle, fitness, and success.